Duvet Day

How do you know if you’re going into relapse? Could it be withdrawal from social situations? Or maybe hearing voices? What about sleeping all day?

I am a member of a karate club. I used to go every Thursday. I’ve been struggling to go since my dose of Olanzapine was dropped. One week I couldn’t face the two hour bus journey. Another, I became unable to contain the new level of excitement I was able to experience as a result of lowering my dose. This has been going on for a while now. Yesterday I couldn’t get on the bus.

I spent the day leading up to the class feeling very excited about going. It was only when I started to walk to the bus stop that I felt funny. I could physically feel myself shutting down as I pushed on. It’s hard to describe what it feels like to do so. However the effect I am able to tell you about.

When I was 17 years old I took an English test. I wasn’t nervous or anxious as I opened my paper. I looked down at the question and realised that I couldn’t read it. I could look at the writing but nothing happened. I remember how odd it felt.

When the bus pulled up I had the same feeling. The bus was there but I didn’t know how to get on to it. I couldn’t imagine doing so. I don’t know why that happened – at least I wasn’t consciously aware of any reason. Somehow I couldn’t access that core part of me that does things. Despite that I felt quite lucid, though only on a surface level.

I had all the hardware but there were no programs running.

Even subconsciously an experience like this would be upsetting. Not understanding why you can’t do something just makes it worse. I spent today unable to get out of bed. I had no motivation to get up. I just felt so tired.

So that’s two off the list; sleeping and social withdrawal. Am I going into relapse? I thought I’d be conscious of some change that would signal so. But what if this is it? I can only hope that these are withdrawal symptoms and that they will disappear as I adjust to the lower dose.

It’s tough right now because I want to do so much more than I am capable of doing. I want to be able to provide for my fiancée. It kills me that I can’t do so. I feel so helpless.