Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

Medication

I like to say that Japanese saved me. I stumble upon it during my second attempt at University when I noticed it was offered as a complimentary study course and thought it might be cool. After my psychotic episode (that put an end to my studies at degree level) I continued to study Japanese independently at home.

The prospect of a day studying Japanese almost organically became my reason for getting out of bed in the morning and staying away from my bedroom for the rest of the day. Anyone who has been prescribed major tranquilisers will empathise that this is no mean feat!

My studies gave me direction but there was something about learning Japanese that enabled me to remove myself from the difficult mental processes I was experiencing. I could almost tangibly feel my mind whirring around outside of my body. I guess I had essentially managed to put my fingers into my ears and sing “lalalalalalala” at the top of my voice.

The interesting thing was that through this technique I was gradually able to explore my boundaries more and more. It was as though the Japanese study was some kind of temporary scaffold that enabled the reconstruction - by which I mean the rehabilitation – of me on a personal level.

Now the Japanese has largely fallen by the wayside and my passion for thinking has been re-realised which feels great. I know that there is still a long way to go of course, but the progress is promising.

As time passed I began to wonder if my experience with the Japanese study could be compared to my experience with antipsychotic medication. Does the medication provide a supporting scaffold that serves the rebuilding effort?

Duvet Day

How do you know if you’re going into relapse? Could it be withdrawal from social situations? Or maybe hearing voices? What about sleeping all day?

I am a member of a karate club. I used to go every Thursday. I’ve been struggling to go since my dose of Olanzapine was dropped. One week I couldn’t face the two hour bus journey. Another, I became unable to contain the new level of excitement I was able to experience as a result of lowering my dose. This has been going on for a while now. Yesterday I couldn’t get on the bus.

I spent the day leading up to the class feeling very excited about going. It was only when I started to walk to the bus stop that I felt funny. I could physically feel myself shutting down as I pushed on. It’s hard to describe what it feels like to do so. However the effect I am able to tell you about.

When I was 17 years old I took an English test. I wasn’t nervous or anxious as I opened my paper. I looked down at the question and realised that I couldn’t read it. I could look at the writing but nothing happened. I remember how odd it felt.

When the bus pulled up I had the same feeling. The bus was there but I didn’t know how to get on to it. I couldn’t imagine doing so. I don’t know why that happened – at least I wasn’t consciously aware of any reason. Somehow I couldn’t access that core part of me that does things. Despite that I felt quite lucid, though only on a surface level.

I had all the hardware but there were no programs running.

Even subconsciously an experience like this would be upsetting. Not understanding why you can’t do something just makes it worse. I spent today unable to get out of bed. I had no motivation to get up. I just felt so tired.

So that’s two off the list; sleeping and social withdrawal. Am I going into relapse? I thought I’d be conscious of some change that would signal so. But what if this is it? I can only hope that these are withdrawal symptoms and that they will disappear as I adjust to the lower dose.

It’s tough right now because I want to do so much more than I am capable of doing. I want to be able to provide for my fiancée. It kills me that I can’t do so. I feel so helpless.