Schizophrenia, the Pink Elephant and Imagination

If someone says to you “don’t think about a pink elephant”, it’s naturally difficult not to have an image of one spring into your head (unless, of course, you've never seen an elephant).

The same idea applies certainly when it comes to my experience of what some may term 'hearing voices' and maybe to the experience of others too.

However, in place of someone telling me not to think of a pink elephant (in order to conjure up the image of one), you’ll find worry there.

The worry can be about many things, but they all gravitate about the same point, which is that I am really a bad person who wants to do horrible things.

Where it gets tricky is that this worry isn’t voiced internally – so, for example, I’m not consciously going around with the thought in my head: “I don’t want to hurt him (or her)!”

The unfortunate effect of this lack of internally voiced worry is that it is me who seems to be directly generating the 'voices'. 

It seems as though my mind jumps straight in with, for example, the thought of “punch him/her!” (or the equivalent visualisation of such) in response to a situation. It does this with no apparent stimulation other than what one would naturally assume (and I have done) must be the desire to punch random men and women.

When it came along, the idea of hearing voices really appealed to me simply because it instantly absolved me of all the guilt that I had charged myself with over the years. 

I welcomed it with open arms because the content of the 'voices' didn't sit at all well with my character. By defining them as voices meant that I could separate these bad, foreign feeling thoughts from my own good thoughts.

Interestingly, although for a long time I felt as though I had no imagination, now I see that my imagination was always there, I just didn’t recognise it as what it actually was, which, as it turns out is these voices in my head.

It’s only since happening upon the idea of the pink elephant, that I have been able to reach this conclusion. The pink elephant - or rather, the general worry - stimulates my imagination into thinking of horrible things; just like how it’s difficult to stop yourself thinking of a pink elephant when you are told not to think of one.

Unfortunately the horrible things are easily misconstrued as negative due to their content - whereas in reality this is not the case at all.

I now no longer berate myself for hearing these voices. Instead I give myself a big pat on the back when they spring into my mind because they show that I am a very caring person (after all the sole reason for their existence is my desire not to think them). 

I then give myself a second pat on the back in congratulations for having an imagination which can come up with such a creative - albeit terrible - idea; and also picture it so vividly that, at one point, it proved so paralysing to my existence.

I now no longer think of myself a ‘voice hearer’ but instead I think that perhaps the description: 'voice imaginer' is more apt.

Because I had suppressed it out of fear for so many years, I am still in the process of re-engaging with my imagination. I have found that mindfulness meditation has helped, and continue to help me enormously along this path (I often take time to sit back and mindfully listen to and watch my imagination).

Since seeing the voices this way I have noticed a huge difference. It's as though, now that I have owned them using the idea of the pink elephant, they have literally given up their bombardment of my mind.

"I want to rape women"

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ten years ago and I have intrusive auditory hallucinations like the one in the title of this post.

It feels like these thoughts are put in my head because there is a disconnection in my mind; so I don't recognise the 'voices' as my own (even though they technically are).

The things the voices say are the result of my primeval brain attempting to grapple with the modern, let's say unnatural world we live in. 

I am fortunate in that I can separate these voices from 'me', so I can take a step back and watch them happen without feeling guilty about having things like them in my head.

This is important because ordinarially the thoughts would possibly get acted upon, whereas I am able to put them in a box for you to see.

I hope you will see them and realise that we are mostly (some people are just bad eggs genetically of course) not to blame for our actions as it is the world being unnatural and incompatible with our primeval brains that really fucks us up.

Anxiety that you can't 'push through'

I used to experience a lot of anxiety and panic attacks not long ago. I believe they stemmed from the delusions that people could see inside my head– and the paranoia that accompanied this belief.

The delusions and paranoia developed because I experienced horrible auditory and visual hallucinations and was so fearful that people might be able to get inside my head and see them that I started to believe that they were able to doing so.

I was taught in therapy sessions that all I needed to do was push through the anxiety or panic and once I’d reached the other side I would see that there was nothing to fear to begin with.

The only problem with this reasoning was that the situation itself didn’t bother me – it was the belief that people could see my thoughts that was the problem; and that’s not something that you can disprove.

Sexual and violent thought infection

I hear violent and/or sexual voices about women. Sometimes it’s that woman's voice - saying inappropriate things that I don't want to hear. 

I brush them aside but they are persistent and they conjure up images in my mind like a virus causing you to get sick. Like if someone says "pink elephants" and you automatically picture a pink elephant.

I hear my voice too, but it doesn’t seem to be coming from me – as though it’s being injected by someone else.

Delusional

When I was younger I was delusional and believed that everything – the whole world and everyone in it – was just a creation of my mind. Hence I felt unable to trust people; including my friends and family.

I believed myself to be in some kind of coma and making up this world as one would a dream. I knew that there were scientists watching me, and they were doing so via a TV that was hooked up to my brain, providing them with a live feed of the world I was creating inside my head.

The thing was, although they could see my world, they were not privy to what I was thinking to myself. I therefore spent every hour of every day trying to act in such a way that they wouldn’t be able to tell that I knew what they were up to.

I never knew why such a need for secrecy though..

Exposure therapy (my way)

They told me that all I needed to do was get there. Once I'd done that I would see that it wasn't so bad and I'd be ok; the anxiety and panic attacks would go.

But what if the thing causing me to react as such couldn't be beaten this way? 

What if being around other people is such a struggle because of the extreme paranoia that they are against you; a paranoia that, if denied by anyone, would only worsen the suspicion you feel?

That's the problem with learnt behaviour. For so long that was my whole world. I'd live every moment with that in my mind. Sometimes it's be at the front and sometimes more towards the back.

It's taken years of care but I've now learnt different behaviour and the paranoia has dwindled significantly. For me it wasn't about a big exposure but lots of little ones instead; building confidence day by day.

I still get uncomfortable but then I'm still learning. 

Ignorance or irresponsibility

How dare our landlord allow us to live in a building with no damp proof course and then blame it on us when the walls grow mould due to rising damp?

Is he ignorant of how buildings work or does he understand them and yet chooses to carry on regardless?

It's hard to tell because he seems convinced that all we need to do is keep the windows open and get the air circulating.

One, it's now winter and two, we wouldn't need to do anything of the sort if he'd taken the responsibility to sort the building out in the first place!

I have a mental disability so my wife is trying to support me as well as deal with the building issues. It's now got to a point where neither the landlord nor the council seem to care and we're out of energy. 

A wheelchair ramp for the mind

Today I was walking past a bank and saw an employee trying to set up a ramp so that a lady in a wheelchair could enter the building. 

It struck me how she wasn't embarrassed and in fact was directing the uninformed man as to how he should set it up.

Then I reflected on how uncomfortable I become when dealing with anything to do with - what you could term my wheelchair ramp to life - benefits.

I'm told by my care team that I am fully entitled to all I receive and yet I always feel like I am doing something wrong.

When I was first ill I didn't even recognise that there was something wrong in the way that someone who's legs had stopped working would have done. 

I ended up affecting all kinds of illnesses that I thought my parents would believe, because how could I say "I can't go to school but I don't know why", and expect them to believe me?

Surely it shouldn't be this way - and yet if even I as a sufferer am feeling guilty, then I can only imagine how a person with no experience of my invisible illness would view me and my difficulties!

Vulnerable members of society & housing

The council found us a place to live due to my vulnerability as a sufferer of mental illness when we were facing homelessness nearly a year ago. The flat looked good when we first moved in but it’s now clear that all the problems were literally painted over.

It wasn’t long before mould started re-growing so we alerted the landlord and he told us to open the windows in order to get air circulating. This was fair enough in the spring and summer but now that we’re in autumn it isn’t so simple.

As it turns out our building has no damp course and instead of putting one in the landlord has opted to attach six inch fake walls to the existing mouldy walls in what seems like a quick fix.

Unfortunately there is now mould in every room so the house reeks of it; plus to compound the issue both my wife and I have asthma which is especially affected by mould.

The bit that gets me though is that we have informed the council of the mould situation and yet they still want to house people here when we move out, which I think that is deplorable.

It's a struggle for a young, vulnerable couple to deal with a landlord who behaves like this. It causes a lot of stress, which has gone on to exacerbate my condition and prevent me from proceeding any further with my recovery. 

What do you do? - Schizophrenia - Claiming benefits

I am in still recovery after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia nearly a decade ago. As of yet I have been unable to hold down a job – though not through lack of trying. I hate having to rely on benefits but I have no choice except to do so at the moment.

I don’t deal very well with stress because, as a mechanism for coping, I have shut myself out of my head so that I can only process things by talking to others or sitting down and writing them out. Couple this with the emotional and thought numbing effect of the anti-psychotic medication and you can see my problem.

At the moment stress comes in many forms but the funny thing is that it affects me without it consciously playing on my mind. By this I mean I find myself getting so worn out that it feels as though I’ve crashed into a brick wall but I have no idea why.

When I get into this state I have no energy left to deal with the barrage of intrusive images and thoughts that accost me, telling me (amongst other things) to harm or even kill myself.

Having to be extra cautious not to get into such a state means I am severely limiting what I do day to day. I want to be capable of doing a job now but the reality is my recovery is what’s most important at the moment. 

Heaven, I'm in heaven

I used to have the idea that everyone who was ever alive now, then and in the future is able to see everything you are doing (including what you are thinking). 

This is because, once dead, a person will go to heaven and, once there, be free to pick any point in the whole of history that they fancy and watch it. 

No wonder I developed paranoid delusions! 

Panic attacked

Most situations we find ourselves in are generally predictable: chatting with the check out lady at Sainsbury's for example; or being on the receiving end of some banter when it comes to light that you're a Chelsea fan.

But what about when faced with mental health stigma? 

In the past I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks because I simply didn't know how to be in certain situations. I didn't understand myself personally so how could I go about explaining what was going on inside me to another person so that they could understand? 

I found myself again and again in such situations, paralysed and in a state. Gradually though I have grown to understand more about myself, and even found a comfort and confidence along the way. 

I haven't experienced anxiety or panic attacks in a long time, which I put down to this development of character. 

I still don't know how each person will react when I tell them that I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of course, but I don't care so much now because I understand it a lot more myself.

I am confident being open about my diagnosis and about the difficulties I may have in a situation. This may be detrimental to whether people feel comfortable with me but if I were to hide that part of me, I would have no safety net to fall back on were things to take a turn for the worse.

A sick way of thinking

I have a sick way of thinking (that is how I see the mental illness I'm told I have) and so have to choose which thoughts I agree with and which ones I don't. 

There are enjoyable thoughts as well as distressing ones, but both types come from the same place so I have to separate them into one lump and label them all my 'voices'.

You'd think the fact that I have them going on in my head must mean I'm unwell. 

I hear that people diagnosed schizophrenic are less likely than the general population to be violent towards others (though sadly more likely when it comes to themselves). 

I have no desire to act on what the violent voices have to say, but I hate experiencing them (especially at times when I'm run down and unable to deal with them effectively). 

It's a strange because the voices aren't always easily distinguishable and fall somewhere in between enjoyable and distressing. I sometimes struggle to tell whether I should embrace a voice that speaks up, or try and resist it.

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

Dark Days - complete flip of personality

I'd been going out with this lady and it was all going well until one day I just flipped and lost all feeling for her. I didn't question why the sudden change had occurred - after all it was how I felt so why would I?

She came over and we broke up, but only a couple of hours later I suddenly flipped back and all of a sudden loved her once again. Deeply regretting my mistake I immediately called her and three years later we are married and living together.

Every so often this same flipping of feeling towards her will occur; we call them 'dark days'. I know that they'll pass so now I just ride them out, but they're still deeply unpleasant and distressing.

Whether it's another part of the schizophrenia I don't know. There haven't been many dark days recently which is of course really nice for both of us but then there hasn't been as much stress in my life - due to taking special care not to overdo it or push myself too far.

Irony

Being unable to work I have a lot of free time. However I’m not the kind of person who will sit down playing Xbox all day - although when it comes to a tossup between reading a book and going for a run I choose the book every time!

It feels like a waste of time if I am not putting my mind to something useful in the effort to recover from my mental troubles. But the ironic thing is that getting regular exercise can actually aid this process.

So in order to improve your mind you need to focus on your body, which is something I initially thought of as being quite narcissistic, and still do when people seem only to care about their physical appearance; but what if it is in our nature to do so? 

I found mine!

There can be times where you have so many things going on that you are unable to hold onto them all at once. It’s at times like these that I wish I could just ‘switch off’.

The funny thing is it is surprisingly easy to do so.

I’ve been practicing Mindfulness meditation for two years now and use when the above kind of scenario arises.

I sit in a chair and take time to just stand back, allowing myself to become transparent and to observe all of these thoughts, stresses and worries as they flow through me.

Showing teeth

Normally when I smile at someone I am doing it for two reasons; because I want the other person to feel valued and because that is what I have logically worked out that you do in certain situations.

There may be an element of emotion but it is buried so deeply that I barely know it's there.
Is this natural?

(It's possible that I'm hypersensitive to the process of getting in touch with my emotions because I'm learning to develop them as an adult instead of as a child; so the reason they feel unnatural is because they are, I suppose)

Am I a Monster?

“Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?” – Shutter Island

I hear constant voices telling me to do bad things. They excel at distressing me by putting violent and sexual images in my head. But why are they so distressing and if they are ‘just thoughts’, then why can I not simply brush them aside?

They are crippling because I am basically unable to even try and comprehend a situation that is out of my comfort zone for fear of them occurring.

The question is am I worried that what the voices are saying is what I want to do, and if so does that mean that I’m a monster?

Could the way that I act now simply be a controlled, watered-down version of the real me, which is really lurking under the surface waiting to break through when backed into a corner – even if it's a psychological one?

Incase you wanted more information about hearing voices:

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/