Anxiety that you can't 'push through'

I used to experience a lot of anxiety and panic attacks not long ago. I believe they stemmed from the delusions that people could see inside my head– and the paranoia that accompanied this belief.

The delusions and paranoia developed because I experienced horrible auditory and visual hallucinations and was so fearful that people might be able to get inside my head and see them that I started to believe that they were able to doing so.

I was taught in therapy sessions that all I needed to do was push through the anxiety or panic and once I’d reached the other side I would see that there was nothing to fear to begin with.

The only problem with this reasoning was that the situation itself didn’t bother me – it was the belief that people could see my thoughts that was the problem; and that’s not something that you can disprove.

Exposure therapy (my way)

They told me that all I needed to do was get there. Once I'd done that I would see that it wasn't so bad and I'd be ok; the anxiety and panic attacks would go.

But what if the thing causing me to react as such couldn't be beaten this way? 

What if being around other people is such a struggle because of the extreme paranoia that they are against you; a paranoia that, if denied by anyone, would only worsen the suspicion you feel?

That's the problem with learnt behaviour. For so long that was my whole world. I'd live every moment with that in my mind. Sometimes it's be at the front and sometimes more towards the back.

It's taken years of care but I've now learnt different behaviour and the paranoia has dwindled significantly. For me it wasn't about a big exposure but lots of little ones instead; building confidence day by day.

I still get uncomfortable but then I'm still learning. 

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

A psychotic theory

What if the intrusive thoughts and imagery are the things that I am trying to avoid (without even realising I'm doing so)? It's recently started to happen that I physically stiffen up and am unable to walk to places. However the reason for this hasn't been clear to me so far.

Traditionally I've either made it to wherever I'm going and experienced intense anxiety and panic whilst there or more often I've succumbed to them on the way. In the case of volunteering at the charity shop, I was ok for a good few weeks before I experienced resistance of a level I was unable to surmount. Then, after I failed to go in that once, I didn't feel I could face the manager again (even though thinking about it now she'd probably be really understanding!) 

It's true that I find the intrusions distressing so it would hardly be surprising that I'd want to avoid them - even if it's on a subconscious level. Now I wonder if the anxiety (to begin with) and the stiffening up (more recently) are in fact simply my body trying to make me avoid going into situations where there is an uncomfortable threat of intrusions.

In the past I haven't been able to single out any thoughts that could have caused the anxiety. I had images in my head of being in the situation but never knew why they were so distressing. What if somewhere inside I was worried that it would be distressing to experience intrusive thinking around people? 

Avoidance

It’s frustrating being smacked in the face by your own limits. Each time they catch you off guard; is it a denial that there isn’t anything wrong? Or is it because they come out of nowhere and are unpredictable? The situation you may have been in a thousand times before can randomly trigger a negative reaction and it is subjectively unpredictable!

Take tonight. There’s a Zumba class that I would like to go to with my fiancée but guess who reared their ugly head? That’s right, my limits. I was fine all day – it wasn’t a particularly busy day either – but right at the last minute I felt that regrettably familiar sensation of panic in my chest and then my mind began to shut down.

So what to do?

The staff at my CMHT would tell me that I need to push through; anxiety has never killed anybody and it can’t stay at that high level they’d say. Also once I get to the other side I’ll see that it wasn’t as bad as I feared.

I’ve had many panic attacks over the years and I really don’t want to experience one around people I am unfamiliar with. But maybe that is what must be done? Or should I take smaller steps?

Should I take care of myself and recognise my limits?

It’s hard to accept the fact that you’re mentally unwell (I still don’t believe it sometimes) and that you’re limits are far narrower than those possessed by a lot of others. I see the things my fiancée can do and it amazes me.

When she tried to persuade me to go tonight I got annoyed that she didn’t seem to understand me. I really wanted to go but there was something stopping me that I had no control over and wasn’t even able to put into words; I was annoyed but I also recognised that she has no idea how it feels to experience these things.

There is someone else with me in here. He can’t speak but he can take over my body; stiffening up my legs so that I can’t walk or shutting down my brain so that I can’t think.

So I chose avoidance (although I think that ‘chose’ is a long way from being an appropriate word), and have stayed home.

I hated seeing the look in my fiancées eyes as she left without giving me a kiss goodbye. I hated feeling that whoever it is that’s in me had let me down. I felt anger and frustration and had the desire to lash out but, having felt that way many times before, self-control pervaded and I managed not to.

The frustration has mostly evaporated now but will I learn my lesson for next time?

Anxiety

“I don’t know how”

“Anxiety never killed anybody” my doctor told me; “you’ve just got to push through it and when you come out the other end you’ll see that it isn’t so bad”. I am not a generally anxious person; my anxiety only arises in certain situations. I have recently gained a grasp on where my anxiety stems from which I’d like to share.

It all dates back to when I was younger; I’d struggle to leave the house to go to school but couldn’t for the life of me figure out why. I ended up making all kinds of excuses so that I could stay at home. I found it very confusing: “How come everyone else deals with this problem (I assumed they all did) so easily?” In the end I logically concluded that I was just weaker than them.

It wasn’t until six years later that I was diagnosed with clinical psychosis, so for that period my family and I were almost completely in the dark. Now, six years after my diagnosis I have a new handle on the anxiety.

It all has to do with ‘shutting down’. When put into a situation that I find overwhelming, I can almost hear my mind saying, “screw this I’m out of here!” as it packs up, leaving only the surface thinking – I literally become an empty shell; unable to look inside.

For ages I found this experience to be very disturbing; I’d find myself out in public but I wouldn’t know how to be there, which made me feel very exposed and as a consequence the anxiety inevitability prevailed.

It was only in understanding what was happening when I shut down that I became able to develop a comfort with it. It no longer distresses me because I can say to myself that it’s ok, this is just how your body deals with an overwhelming situation.

I learned to shut down on a subconscious level in order to shut out the paranoid ideas and intrusive thinking that was so distressing to me. I have become so good at suppressing them that I no longer honestly know whether those thoughts are still waiting in the wings, trying constantly to break through.

For now, I must continue to push my boundaries and learn how to be again.

At the moment I still find my inability to do certain things (because I have shut down) to be very frustrating. I scare myself on these occasions because of the violence – which is directed entirely towards myself – that wells up inside me.