All schizophrenics go to hell

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been very creative; but also sensitive to the world around me (as many others are I'd imagine). This was okay when I was young because I was a child then and it’s a fact that children are nuts.

However at some point I found the world around me was too much to cope with and as a result I imagined and created a reality for myself where I was in a kind of coma and the world and everybody in it was a figment of my imagination.

At the time this helped a lot, although I was only living a half-life I suppose.

This coping mechanism probably had something to do with my imaginative capabilities, but unfortunately I got so messed up in trying to marry up my nature with a world that is fundamentally unnatural, that in the end I literally shut down everything, leaving just a shell with nothing inside.

Eventually I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.

Recently, though, I was introduced to the idea of auditory hallucinations, and because the things in my head do feel external to what I would consider ‘my’ thinking, it seemed to fit that this was what I was experiencing.

There was now a line between the true me and the evil 'voices'.

Of late, I’m starting to wonder if these voices are nothing more sinister than my own imagination. Have I been making a distinction with them simply because they can be pretty nasty and distressing and go against what I would consider to be my personal values?

I’ve also been noting with interest that, often, when I am thinking of something to write, I will just sit back and wait for a voice to pipe up with an idea - of course I don’t always jump on the first thing to be thrown up, since all manner of things appear before me.

The interesting thing is that these ideas feel as though they are coming from the same place as do the voices which plague me especially at darker times.

That’s why I’ve started to wonder if the so called hallucinations aren’t a symptom of a problem with me, but are in fact the imagination which I never learned to cope with and so shut away and abandoned along with everything else.

I suppose it now follows that my new challenge is to re-engage with my imagination.

I can see that the thoughts which - thanks to my religious upbringing (also known as child abuse) - I would have perceived as sins and so tried to suppress, are not evil and do not make me hell worthy.

I am now atheist, as it happens, and so free of the fear of this kind of thought transgression anyway. Unfortunately I am the person I am today because of my experiences, so it is going to be difficult to change – not impossible, but definitely difficult.

At least now I am not afraid to be around people whilst hearing voices and seeing images telling me that I want to rape/punch/kiss/kick/etc them. It is still difficult to be around people because I’m not always on the ball like I am now and tiredness (among other things) plays a major factor in hampering my ability to cope.

The content of the ideas may be troubling but I believe it stems from the fact that my brain is not only a primeval one and not suited to the modern world, but also an extra sensitive and creative one too.

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

I found mine!

There can be times where you have so many things going on that you are unable to hold onto them all at once. It’s at times like these that I wish I could just ‘switch off’.

The funny thing is it is surprisingly easy to do so.

I’ve been practicing Mindfulness meditation for two years now and use when the above kind of scenario arises.

I sit in a chair and take time to just stand back, allowing myself to become transparent and to observe all of these thoughts, stresses and worries as they flow through me.

Am I a Monster?

“Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?” – Shutter Island

I hear constant voices telling me to do bad things. They excel at distressing me by putting violent and sexual images in my head. But why are they so distressing and if they are ‘just thoughts’, then why can I not simply brush them aside?

They are crippling because I am basically unable to even try and comprehend a situation that is out of my comfort zone for fear of them occurring.

The question is am I worried that what the voices are saying is what I want to do, and if so does that mean that I’m a monster?

Could the way that I act now simply be a controlled, watered-down version of the real me, which is really lurking under the surface waiting to break through when backed into a corner – even if it's a psychological one?

Incase you wanted more information about hearing voices:

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

Learning to be a human

“If you cut me do I not bleed?”

Why do you react emotionally? For me emotion is a bit of an alien concept. I feel more now than I did on the higher antipsychotic dose but there still seems to be a disconnection there.

For example, I recently saw a loved one crying and yet I felt nothing. In my head I knew that they were upset so my logical reaction was to console them because that’s what you do in those situations.

In reading this you’ll probably consider me a rather cold individual (maybe even a Vulcan?) who only cares because that is what ‘should’ be done. But hang on a second.

What if this emotional detachment could be a natural part of growing up that is generally experienced during childhood when a person isn’t so aware of their thoughts; but in my case (because of my condition) it is something I am coming to as an adult?

In other words am I more cognisant of the process of developing emotions because I am older than people generally are when they engage with them?

And could this ring true for other people who are in my situation?

A psychotic theory

What if the intrusive thoughts and imagery are the things that I am trying to avoid (without even realising I'm doing so)? It's recently started to happen that I physically stiffen up and am unable to walk to places. However the reason for this hasn't been clear to me so far.

Traditionally I've either made it to wherever I'm going and experienced intense anxiety and panic whilst there or more often I've succumbed to them on the way. In the case of volunteering at the charity shop, I was ok for a good few weeks before I experienced resistance of a level I was unable to surmount. Then, after I failed to go in that once, I didn't feel I could face the manager again (even though thinking about it now she'd probably be really understanding!) 

It's true that I find the intrusions distressing so it would hardly be surprising that I'd want to avoid them - even if it's on a subconscious level. Now I wonder if the anxiety (to begin with) and the stiffening up (more recently) are in fact simply my body trying to make me avoid going into situations where there is an uncomfortable threat of intrusions.

In the past I haven't been able to single out any thoughts that could have caused the anxiety. I had images in my head of being in the situation but never knew why they were so distressing. What if somewhere inside I was worried that it would be distressing to experience intrusive thinking around people? 

Intrusive thoughts explained

It happens in a sudden flash so real that I react bodily. It feels as though I'm actually experiencing the normally violent or sexual intrusive thought in that split second. It is horrible and I still find it very distressing even though it has been going on for a long time. 

Then there's the voices. Sometimes they speak in my head as though it is me thinking, although I know that it isn't me who is articulating them. They don't tell me to do things, but because they pretend to be me and go on and on for months and years they almost become second nature.

It may sound odd but because they are so frequent and ongoing I get used to them and although I can usually fight them off, when I am tired or not feeling myself, I struggle to counter them and they end up overpowering me. 

Religion

I have to die. I can’t bare the doubt anymore. If I die then two things will happen;

1.       Nothing

2.       Something

Either way I’ll feel better. If nothing happens then I won’t know any different, but if something happens then it will all be resolved.

This was my thinking when I was twenty years old. I have been told it is psychotic and I no longer agree with my reasoning back then. For one, based on what I’ve been taught, I’d be going straight to hell for sure - so it wasn’t the best thought out plan.

Luckily I don’t believe in heaven and hell anymore. I am now happy I didn’t kill myself because all I have at the end of the day is my life and so that would have been an awful waste.

But was my thinking any more psychotic than that of the millions who believe in God and are prepared to die and kill for that belief (probably not in that order)?

But then if they are not psychotic then does that mean I’m not either? If I based my idea to kill myself on the beliefs of many then is it a psychotic idea?

Hold on…. am I normal?

Have I tailored my life to my diagnosis? The boot does seem to fit: I hear voices talking in my head independently of my thoughts and I also have horrible images in my head that seem to be inserted somehow.

But could these be normal, everyday experiences? And if I had never been labelled would they have paled into insignificance a long time ago? Or would I have killed myself from sheer frustration many times over by now?

Who knows?

I am starting to understand that I am not my label.

Innocence

“You’re too nice sometimes”, my fiancée has informed me on several occasions. I wouldn’t deny that I am not as hardened to the world as she, but is that a bad thing? Is the world I live in an unnatural one?

If I had the opportunity of doing something for someone which would make their life easier (even if doing so would jeopardise my happiness in a way) then I would do it. I do gain happiness I suppose because I am helping out a person but is doing so in their best favour?

The phrase “You have to be cruel to be kind” springs to mind. Am I limiting said person’s happiness by my action? You might think me a pushover to see me act that way and I think that is exactly what my fiancé feels. The thing is, I don’t go about the task grumbling and complaining about the injustice. I also don’t want to tell a grown adult what to do or what not do because they need to figure it out for themselves.

I’ll admit that sometimes I am scared by the fallout of a request to help me wash the dishes for example (founded on experience I might add) so in order to keep the peace I’ll keep quiet. The only problem with that is that it gets bottled up inside and is primed to explode at the slightest irritation.

I found my body shutting itself down the other day rather than dealing with the situation. Even now I find that there is something blocking me from looking at what made me shut down. It was a very odd and novel experience to find myself in that state.

I was still able to function on a surface level but everything below that was just like static. I had no thoughts or annoying song lyrics stuck in my head; I felt like I was floating along.

“You think everyone is good”, my fiancée also informs occasionally. It’s hard to say whether I’m inclined one way or the other to be honest. Logically I believe that everyone has a sense of morality inbuilt through evolution. I believe that right and wrong can only be viewed through an evolutionary lens.

Unfortunately it seems to me that the way in which the world (I live in) works, seems to pollute its people. I like to think that I am a lot more in touch with nature in my innocence to that world.

Because of my disability I have not been able to hold down a job – even a voluntary one. I haven’t been put under the pressures of poverty or hunger and I have a strong nuclear family supporting me through everything that I am going through.

This may be the reason I am nice and not a complete bastard and also why I am unable to cope with whatever it is that I was unable to process, made me shut down and which I am still able to approach without it burrowing its way out of sight. 

Does it ever feel like things are spiralling out of your control?

“The world is too big”

It’s become a real struggle lately to get through the days. I don’t seem to have the capacity to deal with everything that’s going on. Yesterday my brain got to a point where it decided to pull the covers over its head, shut its eyes and clamp its hands over its ears. I was left in a largely vegetative state; I was in no way anxious or unhappy, I was just numb.

My sister took me for a walk to see if that would help me feel more myself. Although I could look around and focus on the scenery, I couldn’t focus on it in my mind. The same went for my thoughts; I felt empty. There was no articulation going on in my mind except the intrusive loop of song lyrics. I felt like a blank canvas.

Song lyrics have become particularly oppressive recently. They never really bothered me before but now they are bad enough as to drive me to insanity. And they are not alone. The intrusive thoughts and images seem to be getting worse. I put this down to the lower antipsychotic dose I am on now.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!              

It feels like an uphill battle at the moment, like I’m straining to survive. It would be so easy to let my guard down and allow the intrusions to rule me. That does worry me quite a lot. What if I start to go along with those thoughts and ideas? I know in theory that they are my thoughts and ideas because they originate from my mind but I have to keep reminding myself of that.

When I’m tired the intrusions are particularly strong and unfortunately tiredness has become a feature of late. This I put down to the meds also. I heard that people with Schizophrenia have to work twice as hard as people not afflicted to deal with their thoughts. It’s no great leap to see how even a 2.5mg reduction of a 20mg dose could make a lot of difference in this respect.

The New Messiah?

“Are you such a dreamer to put the world to rights?”

They say you’re not a fully paid up member of the Schizo club until you’ve been Jesus. Why on earth do I feel a sense of achievement that I can say I have been? For a long time I believed I were the reincarnation and the second coming.

I did try and argue; for instance I thought “hey, I have no special powers and no angel has come to tell me I am to be crucified to save the souls of man”. But a voice somewhere inside me immediately sprung up; “there’s no evidence Jesus had any powers either, people must have made that up to keep things interesting and as for angels, well, men are living longer nowadays so the angel probably thinks he has time before he need appear to you, right?”

Any way I looked at it there was always a comeback. I should stress that this back and forth was almost subconscious. I was aware of it as I would be a conversation going on at another table in a busy restaurant; sometimes I’d catch a few words but I wouldn’t always be aware that people were talking.

You could blame that particular delusion on my religious upbringing – although it is probably seriously blasphemous to have such a belief. I’ve been hearing a lot recently on how it cannot be psychosis to believe in a creator - and all of the dogma attached - so long as there are many beside you who also believe; safety in numbers.

I grew out of the belief that I was the Christian son of god, back after 2000 years as Chris de Burgh sung. I like to think that I don’t believe in anything supernatural and I feel comfortable in that Universe.

I based my entire belief system on this lecture above by Lawrence Krauss. Although it mostly went over my head I did make out was that there everything can come from nothing. This changed my whole sense of life overnight. I suddenly discovered a world that I could conceptualise, where morality was essentially evolutionary and where I didn’t need a meaning beyond nature.

Judging by what I have seen, heard and read the vast majority of people don’t have the impulse to desire that knowledge. They are quite happy to get on with their lives, dealing with whatever is thrown their way. That is exactly how nature intended it. Evolution by natural selection takes a long time but unfortunately the evolution of society doesn’t. We live in a modern society and yet have primeval brains.

(For example our brains are designed to deal with scarcity. That is why when food is abundant you have the problem of obesity because the instinct says “eat eat eat, who knows where the next meal will be!”)

And yet I find myself aware of desiring that knowledge. My initial reaction was that there had to be a natural explanation for this. A complicated concoction of genes and environment – maybe even the head injury I had experienced when I was younger had caused lesions in my brain. But then a voice somewhere inside said “hey, what if you are special? What if you are destined to make a difference? What if you are the one who will start a new religion of knowledge and lead the world out of the darkness? What if?

It feels like a very naïve idea when I write it down like that. Of course I watch the news and see the situation in the Middle East and North Korea and the overriding worries of Climate Change. I was told you should never base anything on divine revelation and this certainly has that aroma about it. But what if we stopped valuing and wasting money on material things?

Religion seems to glue communities together but they have a dark side as well. But what is there in place of religion? I see young people leading hedonistic lives and it makes me feel sick inside. Is knowledge the way forward? Will it get better if people are made aware of their place in the Universe and realise that there is nothing beyond nature and causality? There need be nothing else because that in itself is so incredibly humbling.

The Machine and Intrusions

I’ve often wondered if I’d live to see the invention of a machine that can show the thoughts in a person’s mind (be they images, sounds or emotions). After all, they are just tissue and electricity, right?

I started wondering this when I noticed that after I had made a certain incorrect decision like, say, watching a TV game show and giving the wrong answer to a question. On every occasion when it wasn’t a gamble, as soon as the correct answer was revealed, I kicked myself because a voice inside me had tried to give me the correct answer.

It is a faint voice but I believe it to be my instinct. However, almost 100% of the time what I would deem to be my consciousness steps in and tries to reason an answer and is able to prevail because I am just so full of myself.

But what if that machine was to be created which could measure instinct? So you plug yourself in and you allow your brain’s instinct do the thinking instead of your consciousness? It would surely make TV game shows different as I think the contestant’s brain would then have a higher success rate than that of their consciousness.

I used to wish for that machine to be created every so often but now I’m having second thoughts about that particular wish.

What if the machine could see the bad things that are in my head – or my intrusions as I have come to label them? Would people see me as a monster and lock me up for having the image in my head of grabbing a new born baby by its legs and repeatedly smashing its tiny head against the floor Droopy style? Or would I be seen as a sex criminal for having the image in my head of raping women?

I am told that although these intrusions seem a very real part of me, I have no obligation to them. I have even heard them called a form of internal Tourette’s syndrome. Never the less I still find them distressing sometimes (mainly when I’m tired) but at other times (when I’m not so tired) I can reason that they are basic primeval emotions that are manifest by being pushed through a civilised sieve.

I am also told that one technique is to let the intrusion voice itself. We are taught that resistance creates persistence; so that the more you try and force something to shut up the more it tries to get in.

Another way to deal with the intrusions is to describe them to someone. The thinking here is you will realise just how silly they really are. Obviously that has be done delicately; because people don’t react well to information that their friend or family member thinks about raping of hurting people – especially them!

Take this example: I was sitting in my class when I had the image intrude its way into my head of putting my penis in the teacher’s mouth. Ok, I thought how would that work? There’s a whole classroom of people here – not to mention the teacher herself – who aren’t going to stand by and allow you to do that. So then along came the intrusion with the image of waiting until everyone had left except the teacher and I and then knocking her out, pulling her trousers down and raping her unconscious body.

In the blink of an eye that image was injected into my mind; I had no volition in the matter.

This is the first time I have voiced this. Now that I have written it down it does seem silly and it doesn’t feel like me at all. You have been my guinea pig so thank you. I understand it can be hard to use this particular technique and that you don’t want to throw any more fuel on the fire but believe me it is very liberating so give it a try..

Living with Schizophrenia: A Collection of Journal Excerpts from 1987 to Present

Today our baby boy was born. He was late but worth the wait as it was the most amazing, life altering, perspective solidifying moment when he came out and took his first breath into his tiny lungs with a cry of cold realisation. From that moment he was no longer receiving his oxygen from his mother – he had taken his first step on the path to maturity.

What has life got in store for this helpless little boy? He is a person – of course we can nurture him and bring him up as best we can but ultimately he has his own mind and will make his own choices and decisions - be they good or bad - and we will respect him for that.

TEMPOK is shy around others. He sits on my lap a lot whilst the other children are beginning to strike out on their own. He is a definite mummy’s boy and as much as I value the closeness, I do hope that he too begins to strike out on his own soon and become more independent.

The funny thing is TEMPOK will wear fancy dress when we go out sometimes and on those occasions the effect is nothing short of dramatic. He is no longer this shy, quiet boy; he takes on a whole new confident, chatty persona. At home he is quite happy to play by himself for hours on end – using his imagination. He is good at drawing and says he wants to be an artist when he grows up.

TEMPOK is enjoying school; he has made friends and seems to be getting on very well. We get good reports from his teacher saying he is very hard working if a little bit on the shy side. We take him and his sister to church every Sunday with us and have done so since they were born. I think Catholicism is a good grounding for morals although TEMPOK and his sister sometimes mess about and we have to sit in between them to restore order.

TEMPOK cares a lot for his baby sister although she has made a habit of occasionally winding him up to the point that he punches her and makes her cry. I tell him that he had better stop losing his temper or one day when he’s older it might land him in real trouble if he’s not careful.

TEMPOK is now in a senior all-boys Catholic school and he has managed to retain a handful of his friends from his junior school. He seems happy and confident with this new beginning. We still sit down as a family every night to have dinner and discuss how things are going for our children; we try and sort through problems by getting them out in the open and discussing them together

TEMPOK is now the Captain of a little league football team and I have never heard him shout so loudly and confidently; bellowing out orders from his position back in defence. It’s wonderful to see him coming into his own as he grows.

TEMPOK is having trouble at school. He is fifteen now and has started making regular excuses not to go in and becoming very worked up when we push him to do so. He got so worked up that he threatened to throw himself out of his window if he had to go. We feel so powerless in the face of his problems. Nobody prepares you for this kind of thing.

Ever since he fell off the scaffolding and broke his jaw he has struggled. This may be because of the school he missed as a result of his accident; and the subsequent months of not being able to go into the playground at break time to socialise with his peers as they travel through the important transition of puberty, leaving him behind.

It all got too much for TEMPOK today and he ended up breaking down in tears. It seems he has been bottling everything up inside – is he embarrassed? Maybe he just doesn’t know how to explain what is going on inside him. He said he doesn’t understand why everyone else he knows can cope and he can’t.

TEMPOK was accepted into University today despite his trouble over the past few years. He paid the University a visit on an open day – taking the train up to Stoke-on-Trent by himself which really impressed us and showed his determination – and must have made a good impression. He was so thrilled to get the call informing him of his acceptance; we’re so happy that he is beginning to strike out and become more independent.

We have had to bring TEMPOK home from University. He isn’t very well at all and needs help. He smashed up his room but we can’t get out of him why he did so. He doesn’t seem to know this himself so we are going to take him to see a professional.

TEMPOK cut himself today. He came straight to me to confess to what he had done. He sliced the back of his hand open and says it clears his mind to do so. He is definitely not right at the moment. It was devastating to see that he’d done that to himself.

TEMPOK seems a lot better. We dropped him off at University for his second try today. He has much better support this time around as well as medication to help his mood and therapy to help him cope. He was reluctant to take medication at first, fearing it would change who he is fundamentally but he is acclimatising to the idea now. It was nice to see him so confident; after making sure he was settled we walked away hand in hand, pride and hope filling our hearts.

Everything changes from now. TEMPOK has decided he would like to die. He believes it is the only way he can put a stop to the doubt that is tormenting his mind; he believes that if he dies either nothing will happen or something, thereby putting an end to the doubt. How can he not want to experience everything life has to offer?

Now I see that his wish to die was merely a development of the psychosis he was diagnosed with. In a way it is a relief but it also means that he is mentally ill – our son is mentally ill; I can’t cope with that – this cold realisation brought me to tears during our ski trip together. I felt so powerless and realised how much I need my wife by my side in order to deal with TEMPOK.

TEMPOK confided in us today that he doesn’t believe we are his real parents. This was shocking but not surprising as he is struggling a lot at the moment. I go along with him to his appointments with the Early Intervention Team. It can take him a while to answer their – what I would think to be relatively simple – questions, although most of the time we have to settle with “I don’t know” for an answer.

It is very concerning to hear some of the things TEMPOK comes out with at these sessions. For example he believes people can see into his mind. I myself hear voices so that isn’t so surprising but for some reason the voices he hears really unsettle and disturb him. He has been prescribed anti-psychotic medication in the highest safe dose possible.

I don’t think that the health professionals know what they’re talking about. They tend to molly-coddle him; my fear is he’ll end up a recluse or worse. He spends all day studying his Chinese – or is it Japanese? I wish he could get a job and flourish.

We have all grown over the past years and come to much better terms with TEMPOK's situation. 

TEMPOK now has a girlfriend and is doing so much better – just think, he used to struggle even to make a simple phone call! He is doing karate and helping out in the class which is a sure sign of how much better he is.

TEMPOK is still struggling to work but you can’t just snap out of a mental illness. I am very proud of how he is dealing with everything and the independence he has developed. He is not just sitting back and taking it, he is constantly pushing to get better even though from time to time that may mean he has a crash.

It will be nice when he is able to move out with his fiancee and start their life together. They are getting married in 2014 and we’re eagerly anticipating the day they announce that our grandchildren are on the way! TEMPOK still has bad spells but he is very stable and moving away from us day by day which is absolutely fantastic from a parents perspective. We always tell him that we are very proud of him and his resilience – he is forging his own destiny now.

TEMPOK is lowering his dose of Olanzapine.  I was worried at first but he says he is feeling much sharper now and he reassures me that it is being done in a very controlled way. We have a lot less involvement in TEMPOK's care nowadays which I view as very positive. He is living inside his own head now whereas before he felt shut-down and couldn’t access his thoughts. He is a joy to be around and very cheeky which I love.

I try to push TEMPOK to progress into work, for example with his translation. He is very good at Japanese but something is holding him back. I see lots of small improvements but one day soon he will have to take a big step – a leap of faith. That’s the thing about life, there is no surety and it isn’t fair so you’ve got to work very hard. It would be wonderful if TEMPOK could make a living from selling paintings but I don’t think that is a very stable way to live.