I started wondering this when I noticed that after I had
made a certain incorrect decision like, say, watching a TV game show and giving
the wrong answer to a question. On every occasion when it wasn’t a gamble, as
soon as the correct answer was revealed, I kicked myself because a voice inside
me had tried to give me the correct answer.
It is a faint voice but I believe it to be my instinct. However,
almost 100% of the time what I would deem to be my consciousness steps in and
tries to reason an answer and is able to prevail because I am just so full of
myself.
But what if that machine was to be created which could
measure instinct? So you plug yourself in and you allow your brain’s instinct
do the thinking instead of your consciousness? It would surely make TV game
shows different as I think the contestant’s brain would then have a higher
success rate than that of their consciousness.
I used to wish for that machine to be created every so
often but now I’m having second thoughts about that particular wish.
What if the machine could see the bad things that are in
my head – or my intrusions as I have come to label them? Would people see me as
a monster and lock me up for having the image in my head of grabbing a new born
baby by its legs and repeatedly smashing its tiny head against the floor Droopy
style? Or would I be seen as a sex criminal for having the image in my head of
raping women?
I am told that although these intrusions seem a very real
part of me, I have no obligation to them. I have even heard them called a form
of internal Tourette’s syndrome. Never the less I still find them distressing
sometimes (mainly when I’m tired) but at other times (when I’m not so tired) I
can reason that they are basic primeval emotions that are manifest by being pushed
through a civilised sieve.
I am also told that one technique is to let the intrusion
voice itself. We are taught that resistance creates persistence; so that the
more you try and force something to shut up the more it tries to get in.
Another way to deal with the intrusions is to describe
them to someone. The thinking here is you will realise just how silly they really
are. Obviously that has be done delicately; because people don’t react well to
information that their friend or family member thinks about raping of hurting people
– especially them!
Take this example: I was sitting in my class when I had
the image intrude its way into my head of putting my penis in the teacher’s mouth.
Ok, I thought how would that work? There’s a whole classroom of people here – not
to mention the teacher herself – who aren’t going to stand by and allow you to
do that. So then along came the intrusion with the image of waiting until everyone
had left except the teacher and I and then knocking her out, pulling her
trousers down and raping her unconscious body.
In the blink of an eye that image was injected into my
mind; I had no volition in the matter.
This is the first time I have voiced this. Now that I have
written it down it does seem silly and it doesn’t feel like me at all. You have
been my guinea pig so thank you. I understand it can be hard to use this
particular technique and that you don’t want to throw any more fuel on the fire
but believe me it is very liberating so give it a try..
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