All schizophrenics go to hell

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been very creative; but also sensitive to the world around me (as many others are I'd imagine). This was okay when I was young because I was a child then and it’s a fact that children are nuts.

However at some point I found the world around me was too much to cope with and as a result I imagined and created a reality for myself where I was in a kind of coma and the world and everybody in it was a figment of my imagination.

At the time this helped a lot, although I was only living a half-life I suppose.

This coping mechanism probably had something to do with my imaginative capabilities, but unfortunately I got so messed up in trying to marry up my nature with a world that is fundamentally unnatural, that in the end I literally shut down everything, leaving just a shell with nothing inside.

Eventually I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.

Recently, though, I was introduced to the idea of auditory hallucinations, and because the things in my head do feel external to what I would consider ‘my’ thinking, it seemed to fit that this was what I was experiencing.

There was now a line between the true me and the evil 'voices'.

Of late, I’m starting to wonder if these voices are nothing more sinister than my own imagination. Have I been making a distinction with them simply because they can be pretty nasty and distressing and go against what I would consider to be my personal values?

I’ve also been noting with interest that, often, when I am thinking of something to write, I will just sit back and wait for a voice to pipe up with an idea - of course I don’t always jump on the first thing to be thrown up, since all manner of things appear before me.

The interesting thing is that these ideas feel as though they are coming from the same place as do the voices which plague me especially at darker times.

That’s why I’ve started to wonder if the so called hallucinations aren’t a symptom of a problem with me, but are in fact the imagination which I never learned to cope with and so shut away and abandoned along with everything else.

I suppose it now follows that my new challenge is to re-engage with my imagination.

I can see that the thoughts which - thanks to my religious upbringing (also known as child abuse) - I would have perceived as sins and so tried to suppress, are not evil and do not make me hell worthy.

I am now atheist, as it happens, and so free of the fear of this kind of thought transgression anyway. Unfortunately I am the person I am today because of my experiences, so it is going to be difficult to change – not impossible, but definitely difficult.

At least now I am not afraid to be around people whilst hearing voices and seeing images telling me that I want to rape/punch/kiss/kick/etc them. It is still difficult to be around people because I’m not always on the ball like I am now and tiredness (among other things) plays a major factor in hampering my ability to cope.

The content of the ideas may be troubling but I believe it stems from the fact that my brain is not only a primeval one and not suited to the modern world, but also an extra sensitive and creative one too.

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

I found mine!

There can be times where you have so many things going on that you are unable to hold onto them all at once. It’s at times like these that I wish I could just ‘switch off’.

The funny thing is it is surprisingly easy to do so.

I’ve been practicing Mindfulness meditation for two years now and use when the above kind of scenario arises.

I sit in a chair and take time to just stand back, allowing myself to become transparent and to observe all of these thoughts, stresses and worries as they flow through me.

Am I a Monster?

“Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?” – Shutter Island

I hear constant voices telling me to do bad things. They excel at distressing me by putting violent and sexual images in my head. But why are they so distressing and if they are ‘just thoughts’, then why can I not simply brush them aside?

They are crippling because I am basically unable to even try and comprehend a situation that is out of my comfort zone for fear of them occurring.

The question is am I worried that what the voices are saying is what I want to do, and if so does that mean that I’m a monster?

Could the way that I act now simply be a controlled, watered-down version of the real me, which is really lurking under the surface waiting to break through when backed into a corner – even if it's a psychological one?

Incase you wanted more information about hearing voices:

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

GOAL!!!!!!! (Do you care about winning?)

Red v Blue

I used to get very upset when the football team I played in or even the one I supported lost a game, the cup, etc. Losing would distress me so much that I’d end up angry and in tears.

Now I no longer get worked up about things like losing a football game but, as with everything, I recently started to question why this is.

One explanation could be that the antipsychotic medication has numbed my emotions to the point that I am physically incapable of caring.

But what if it’s simply that I’ve managed to alter my thought processes?

Have I matured to the point that winning no longer has the some importance in my life?

What if the desire to win (that, when not achieved, can leave a grown man in tears) isn’t a natural impulse? What if our culture has developed in a way that shapes our brain so that it wants to win, when what is truly natural for us is more the opposite?

I saw this army slogan recently and it seemed to be very appropriate to this idea of winning so I've included a link to the British Army Blog.

http://britisharmy.wordpress.com/

It's a loose connection but this TED talk rekindled it for me so here's the link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html 

The Machine and Intrusions

I’ve often wondered if I’d live to see the invention of a machine that can show the thoughts in a person’s mind (be they images, sounds or emotions). After all, they are just tissue and electricity, right?

I started wondering this when I noticed that after I had made a certain incorrect decision like, say, watching a TV game show and giving the wrong answer to a question. On every occasion when it wasn’t a gamble, as soon as the correct answer was revealed, I kicked myself because a voice inside me had tried to give me the correct answer.

It is a faint voice but I believe it to be my instinct. However, almost 100% of the time what I would deem to be my consciousness steps in and tries to reason an answer and is able to prevail because I am just so full of myself.

But what if that machine was to be created which could measure instinct? So you plug yourself in and you allow your brain’s instinct do the thinking instead of your consciousness? It would surely make TV game shows different as I think the contestant’s brain would then have a higher success rate than that of their consciousness.

I used to wish for that machine to be created every so often but now I’m having second thoughts about that particular wish.

What if the machine could see the bad things that are in my head – or my intrusions as I have come to label them? Would people see me as a monster and lock me up for having the image in my head of grabbing a new born baby by its legs and repeatedly smashing its tiny head against the floor Droopy style? Or would I be seen as a sex criminal for having the image in my head of raping women?

I am told that although these intrusions seem a very real part of me, I have no obligation to them. I have even heard them called a form of internal Tourette’s syndrome. Never the less I still find them distressing sometimes (mainly when I’m tired) but at other times (when I’m not so tired) I can reason that they are basic primeval emotions that are manifest by being pushed through a civilised sieve.

I am also told that one technique is to let the intrusion voice itself. We are taught that resistance creates persistence; so that the more you try and force something to shut up the more it tries to get in.

Another way to deal with the intrusions is to describe them to someone. The thinking here is you will realise just how silly they really are. Obviously that has be done delicately; because people don’t react well to information that their friend or family member thinks about raping of hurting people – especially them!

Take this example: I was sitting in my class when I had the image intrude its way into my head of putting my penis in the teacher’s mouth. Ok, I thought how would that work? There’s a whole classroom of people here – not to mention the teacher herself – who aren’t going to stand by and allow you to do that. So then along came the intrusion with the image of waiting until everyone had left except the teacher and I and then knocking her out, pulling her trousers down and raping her unconscious body.

In the blink of an eye that image was injected into my mind; I had no volition in the matter.

This is the first time I have voiced this. Now that I have written it down it does seem silly and it doesn’t feel like me at all. You have been my guinea pig so thank you. I understand it can be hard to use this particular technique and that you don’t want to throw any more fuel on the fire but believe me it is very liberating so give it a try..