"I want to rape women"

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ten years ago and I have intrusive auditory hallucinations like the one in the title of this post.

It feels like these thoughts are put in my head because there is a disconnection in my mind; so I don't recognise the 'voices' as my own (even though they technically are).

The things the voices say are the result of my primeval brain attempting to grapple with the modern, let's say unnatural world we live in. 

I am fortunate in that I can separate these voices from 'me', so I can take a step back and watch them happen without feeling guilty about having things like them in my head.

This is important because ordinarially the thoughts would possibly get acted upon, whereas I am able to put them in a box for you to see.

I hope you will see them and realise that we are mostly (some people are just bad eggs genetically of course) not to blame for our actions as it is the world being unnatural and incompatible with our primeval brains that really fucks us up.

Cosmetic youth - Why we hate ageing

The following takes place subconsciously..

Men have the resources to sire hundreds of offspring but women invest so much in each of the few they can gestate and raise. They are therefore evolved to choose mates who can be faithful and support their young.

Men are attracted to youth because it's a good sign that their children will be healthier so is it any surprise that women somehow know this and so value looking young despite growing old?

From cosmetic surgery to anti ageing lotion and dying away those telltale grey hairs, could women be afraid of growing old simply because it potentially means losing the security of a father for their children (or potential children)? 

Furthermore could a man's interest in a younger model during the (in)famous midlife crisis be a perfectly natural evolutionary mechanism at work? 

I found no god!

You hear about people who live wasteful lives until one day they wake up and find god.

I used to believe in god as a child/early adolescent, but now I don't and it's been completely liberating.

Now I think that anything anyone does is based on their natural selfish instincts - including seemingly selfless acts. 

Realising this has given me a whole new invigorating perspective on life and helped me grow in confidence in myself.

I no longer see morality as what I'm being told to do - or not to do - by a god. 

Instead selfishness is the rule and people are shaped by their nature and nurture and kept in check by the systems of control, such as the laws of their society. 

Appeal (a world full of cool idiots?)

As an artist what is the point of what you are doing? Who do you care about appealing to or communicating with through your work? Is it people in general or just other likeminded individuals?

If you want to change the quality of people’s lives for the better, do you feel that your art does so? Or is it seen as too highbrow by the majority; who themselves live in ignorance because they were never afforded the opportunity to do anything but?

You can try and create works that appeal, but will they even inspire, insight and invigorate the people who actually get to look at them? Or will they just be weird or pretty or superficially interesting?

Are people too stuck in the bad habit of living small lives in a big world (through no fault of their own) that you are pursuing a lost cause?

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

CTRL

It's weird to think that this world will go on after I die. There'll be a world without me as a part of it - I mean there was one for billions of years but for me it began 27 years ago and it'll end for me when I eventually die.

I don’t care that I didn’t exist for so long but I don’t like knowing I won’t be a part of the future. Why does the future seem different to the past though? I feel like I’ll be missing out on everything that proceeds my death – as though I could have continued but wasn't allowed!

Because of the time that I have existed, the ripples from my splash will continue to spread out; like if I have children then they could have children and so on. My DNA will probably perpetuate so in a way I will carry on.

Is that where art comes in? In making these visual tokens does the part of you that I would call the consciousness continue? 

In effect doesn't creating art ensure that the part of you that isn't passed on as DNA continues?

So, so tired

It doesn't seem to take much to wipe me out completely, and although there seems to be no discernible cause, as Jaffar says: things aren't always what they seem.

It's not something that I can reach out and touch, but I have my suspicions that a lot of what causes the tiredness lies beneath the surface.

Although I am not consciously stressing or worrying, somewhere in me there is a part that is doing so, and it is that which is being a huge drain on my energy levels.

Why I am oblivious to this process I'm not sure; I could have even locked myself out as a form of self defence.

Either way becoming completely wiped out is a frequently reoccurring problem for me. The question is how do you stop being stressed if it isn't something that's happening consciously?

Life is stressful at the end of the day and because I am mentally ill I must be extra cautious. This might mean not being able to work in general or having to not leave the house for periods of time and so being unreliable.

That is why I need support, which could come in the form of state benefits and the community mental health services amongst other things. 

It's hard to admit it but people like me are vulnerable individuals and need help to survive and ideally to thrive.

Learning to be a human

“If you cut me do I not bleed?”

Why do you react emotionally? For me emotion is a bit of an alien concept. I feel more now than I did on the higher antipsychotic dose but there still seems to be a disconnection there.

For example, I recently saw a loved one crying and yet I felt nothing. In my head I knew that they were upset so my logical reaction was to console them because that’s what you do in those situations.

In reading this you’ll probably consider me a rather cold individual (maybe even a Vulcan?) who only cares because that is what ‘should’ be done. But hang on a second.

What if this emotional detachment could be a natural part of growing up that is generally experienced during childhood when a person isn’t so aware of their thoughts; but in my case (because of my condition) it is something I am coming to as an adult?

In other words am I more cognisant of the process of developing emotions because I am older than people generally are when they engage with them?

And could this ring true for other people who are in my situation?

Learning to kill

I practice karate and have been doing so for many years now. It struck me yesterday, when I used an Iaitō (metal sword) for the first time, that I am learning what would have once, in some form, been imperative to being able to stay alive.

I don’t really have to worry about that in my life (although knowing such things could come in handy in a sticky situation). But I find it incredible to imagine that there was once a world where knowing how to kill and how to do so efficiently was actually a practical skill to have.

Of course so much must go on behind the scenes; like the anti-terror squads and not to mention the soldiers who are killing people on a daily basis. But those are things that I could very easily turn a blind eye to in my world (until they happen to me of course).

In my world killing is wrong; not only because of the law but because it also feels wrong in my bones. I have been taught that life is sacred and, although I am atheist now, the moral teachings of my childhood still ring true.

Did the men who were trained to kill feel the same? Did they view life as sacred like I do now? Where does the idea of life being sacred come from?

The extinction of humanity

Have you ever questioned whether there's a difference between the killing of one rhino and that of the chicken you just ate?

Both are individuals with their own lives like you or me and they have each gone extinct as a single being. It doesn't matter to you whether the species survives if you're the individual animal, right?

We talk about stopping a species from going extinct but because there are plenty of chickens it somehow becomes ok to kill individuals (so long as you only kill a proportion of them). 

Isn't it interesting the way people's minds work? They seem to see a species of animal as an entire entity and they fear the disappearance of that entity. But for the individual animal all it really has at the end of the day is it's own life.

Interestingly, since humans are animals do the same standards not apply to us? There are plenty of us on the planet so does it matter if a number of people are killed (so long as it's only a small proportion)?

A world without magic

Are you scared that this is it and you aren’t anything beyond your body?

Is that really such a bad thing? What are the implications of such a reality? For one thing life becomes a whole lot more valuable, doesn’t it? You only have a limited time so why would you want to spend it in displeasure?

What is so special about magic anyway?

Is there anything wrong with everything being a product of nature and measurable by science? Would this make ours a cold world?

I guess it’s easy to lose sight of the scale of things; how large things are and how miniscule and intricate they are at the same time. Who has any need of the supernatural with all of that?!

Does art have a place in a Universe where science rules all? Will it be limited to the purely aesthetic in the (maybe distant?) future?

What I mean is: will self-expression become obsolete if and when there is harmony in the world? Will there be anything to express when there is no religion, crime, conflict or inequality and we are all happy?

The Value of Life

You probably think that life is valuable; but is it?

As a human I believe myself to have a better concept of death than, for example, a chicken does. Unfortunately being able to conceptualise death can cause a lot of pain when people do die.  And for whatever reason, it is safe to say that the living suffer when their loved ones are lost.

Does this ability to suffer loss mean that our lives have value? Does it mean that the lives of animals that aren’t capable of conceptualising death like us aren’t as valuable?

I don’t see a difference in value between the life of a human and that of a chicken; ideologically for me they are both valued at level zero. And so for example I don’t have a problem with eating meat (I am omnivorous after all).

I don’t want to kill another person but that does not mean that I value their life over that of a chicken. I wouldn’t want to cause any suffering to a person's loved ones; and I definitely would not want to cause suffering to myself by murdering a them.

If you look at the damage the humans have done to the planet, would you really choose to save the life of a human over that of a chicken? We have perverted the natural order and it has to stop.

Wake up to the facts, the world would be a much better place if the human race were to go extinct; and if that isn’t a wake-up call then I don’t know what is!

The you you think you are

They say that it started

With just a single bite

Now it seems I’m self-conscious

And it’s become a fight

Who is this thing?

Who is floating on my surface?

Having all of these thoughts

Thinking “Do I deserve this?”

Am I like the ocean?

That thing’s dark in the deep

And impossible to be delved into

By any swimming sheep

You can’t fathom the depths

And it’s the same with the mind

Some things they stay hidden

(You might as well be blind)

Could I be a denial?

Some kind of creative fabrication?

Am I too scared to face up to me,

And handle the situation?

If only I could know -

But then maybe I can

Could this articulating mind

Belong to an imaginary man?

He thinks he runs the joint

And that it’s all about him

And his body is a slave

To his each and every whim

But wake up my friend

You’re not who you think

The you that you think is you

He’s superficial and he’s never going to sink.

Why I’m thankful for Hitler

Do you ever wonder why you weren’t born into a different body at a different time?

Children are natural dualists: they feel there is a body and a mind and that the two are separate, which is a difficult habit to break. I have now come to realise that we are our bodies and that there isn’t a ‘spirit’ that transcends our physical form.

I like this idea because it makes sense to me. It is impossible that I could be someone else because I am a bunch organic material pieced together by genes. I am unique because the sex cells that became me contained unique combinations of instructions and the environment I matured in whilst gestating, and then the environment I grew up in once born were and are both unique too.

The point is that without every tiny bit of history that led up to me being conceived (and that led my nurturing), I would not be here as I am now. And this is where Hitler comes into it; without him (and all other people throughout history for that matter) I would not exist and I find that amazing.

Welfare

When I was first diagnosed with clinical psychosis my dad was keen to impress on me the importance of not giving in. He was concerned that the mental health professionals were going to wrap me up in cotton wool and be over cautious to the point that I was hardly moving forward at all. His advice remained with me in a way whilst I fought to get better - even if only in a subconscious form.

It’s strange being mentally ill because it’s very easy to forget that you are unwell. Or rather you don’t like to admit it to be true and so every time you have a panic attack or a dark day where the voices overwhelm you, you are quite taken aback. So, as you can imagine, when it comes to benefits it is very easy to feel like a thief or a cheat.

At times I believed I’d get better and be able to have a full time job with all the trimmings (I guess my dad’s words were still resounding in the back of my mind somewhere), but recently I stopped thinking about working. There are a lot of big changes happening in my life at the moment and the stress is proving to be very disrupting.

(I wouldn’t call it admitting defeat because it is definitely not that; I just had my sights set unrealistically high this time and actually it is an achievement to be able to come to terms with my own limits).

Now I rely on the welfare state because I am ill – or it could be that our world is ill, either way I am struggling to live day to day so something must be up! Everyday things seem to take more of a toll on me when compared with most of the other people in my life. I become worn out very quickly – although it’s rarely easy to pinpoint why this is.

Naturally I guess I’d have flown the nest by now; but unfortunately our world is far from natural. Maybe it is me who is ill; I may have a malformed brain – but what caused it to be so? It seems to me that the unnaturalness of our world may have had a part to play. If so then the natural process of child rearing simply goes out the window; which means that another system of support must take its place. Enter welfare.

But am I giving in too easily? I will keep on pushing of course but for the minute I must be sensible and embrace my limits and play the hand that I have been dealt. I guess that it’s disheartening but luckily I have the state to support me whilst I figure out a different route through this life.

The New Messiah?

“Are you such a dreamer to put the world to rights?”

They say you’re not a fully paid up member of the Schizo club until you’ve been Jesus. Why on earth do I feel a sense of achievement that I can say I have been? For a long time I believed I were the reincarnation and the second coming.

I did try and argue; for instance I thought “hey, I have no special powers and no angel has come to tell me I am to be crucified to save the souls of man”. But a voice somewhere inside me immediately sprung up; “there’s no evidence Jesus had any powers either, people must have made that up to keep things interesting and as for angels, well, men are living longer nowadays so the angel probably thinks he has time before he need appear to you, right?”

Any way I looked at it there was always a comeback. I should stress that this back and forth was almost subconscious. I was aware of it as I would be a conversation going on at another table in a busy restaurant; sometimes I’d catch a few words but I wouldn’t always be aware that people were talking.

You could blame that particular delusion on my religious upbringing – although it is probably seriously blasphemous to have such a belief. I’ve been hearing a lot recently on how it cannot be psychosis to believe in a creator - and all of the dogma attached - so long as there are many beside you who also believe; safety in numbers.

I grew out of the belief that I was the Christian son of god, back after 2000 years as Chris de Burgh sung. I like to think that I don’t believe in anything supernatural and I feel comfortable in that Universe.

I based my entire belief system on this lecture above by Lawrence Krauss. Although it mostly went over my head I did make out was that there everything can come from nothing. This changed my whole sense of life overnight. I suddenly discovered a world that I could conceptualise, where morality was essentially evolutionary and where I didn’t need a meaning beyond nature.

Judging by what I have seen, heard and read the vast majority of people don’t have the impulse to desire that knowledge. They are quite happy to get on with their lives, dealing with whatever is thrown their way. That is exactly how nature intended it. Evolution by natural selection takes a long time but unfortunately the evolution of society doesn’t. We live in a modern society and yet have primeval brains.

(For example our brains are designed to deal with scarcity. That is why when food is abundant you have the problem of obesity because the instinct says “eat eat eat, who knows where the next meal will be!”)

And yet I find myself aware of desiring that knowledge. My initial reaction was that there had to be a natural explanation for this. A complicated concoction of genes and environment – maybe even the head injury I had experienced when I was younger had caused lesions in my brain. But then a voice somewhere inside said “hey, what if you are special? What if you are destined to make a difference? What if you are the one who will start a new religion of knowledge and lead the world out of the darkness? What if?

It feels like a very naïve idea when I write it down like that. Of course I watch the news and see the situation in the Middle East and North Korea and the overriding worries of Climate Change. I was told you should never base anything on divine revelation and this certainly has that aroma about it. But what if we stopped valuing and wasting money on material things?

Religion seems to glue communities together but they have a dark side as well. But what is there in place of religion? I see young people leading hedonistic lives and it makes me feel sick inside. Is knowledge the way forward? Will it get better if people are made aware of their place in the Universe and realise that there is nothing beyond nature and causality? There need be nothing else because that in itself is so incredibly humbling.

The malignant melanoma of our world

It’s very morbid but they say death is a natural part of life. I don’t see anything wrong with contemplating one’s own mortality. I learnt recently that getting sunburnt even once before your mid-teens can double your chances of developing skin cancer. Most of our holidays to Spain during my childhood generally followed the same pattern; we’d get horribly sunburnt on the first day and then spend the remainder of the holiday inside in a rather large amount of pain so god only knows what my chances are of developing skin cancer!

Of course you could die at any time but you don’t think that way do you? Even when confronted by Damien Hirst’s shark preserved in formaldehyde all I saw was a freak show. I then learnt its actual title was ‘The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living’, not a bad title.

One of my chief thoughts when I’m writing things down (which I do often and it seems to keep me sane) is, following my death, what would my fiancée think when she reads the many journals and iPhone notes I am continuingly compiling? I’d like to add that I don’t foresee my death any time soon.

When I was younger and I was making drawings I used to be surrounded by a cloud of voices. They would often praise me, which was nice but as my disability developed they became more hostile and distressing until I finally shut down my thinking all together in order to avoid them.

Now, though, I am beginning to access my thinking more and more. Could it be the medication I am taking that enables me to do so? I don’t know.

But back to the topic; say I do develop malignant melanoma and it’s so aggressive that there is nothing that I can do and I am dead within weeks. What would be left? I don’t believe in an afterlife in any shape or form; I’m not sure I even believe in me; instead I see myself as a collection of thoughts which themselves are merely electricity passing through an organic machine.

I heard the word ‘Legacy’ yesterday whilst watching a film called Sinister and it certainly struck a chord. It reminded me of how Henri Matisse professed his love of art over that of his wife. I am an artist and have often mused upon this topic.

What it comes down to is that I am an animal (not in the sexually provocative sense of course). I am a part of nature not separate from it. What matters fundamentally is the reproduction of my genes. This doesn’t mean I can’t love my fiancée but what it does mean is that love is an evolutionary function that has come about in order to produce this effect.

I look into her eyes and it makes me feel all warm and fluffy inside. Why is this? Is “because you’re in love” enough of an explanation? I feel that way so why question it? Why do you need a deeper meaning?

One day we hope to have children of our own. That, Sinister vocalised for me, is my legacy. My fiancée tells me to focus on my own life and not worry about the lives of others so much. I can understand how that is a very natural way to be. We evolved to live in small groups and now we live in a world populated by over 6 billion people. I am told that this change happened so fast that our primeval brains weren’t able to keep up.

But that is the reality we live in. I have this idea that the world is broken – or rather it is like a lie that has grown out of control by continual propagation over the ages. Am I right? I sit here in my living room listening to Radio 3 and looking out of the double glazed windows at a manicured lawn and what I see is suffering.

Do I want my legacy to be selfishness at standing by while people suffer? “You can’t change it so don’t bother”, “Why not go and work in Africa building wells then?” I am asked. Maybe I am being selfish by not taking action personally. I tell myself “you are doing what you can, don’t kick yourself, you have schizophrenia”.

Wouldn’t it be perverse if it was my schizophrenia that has given me the ability to take the necessary steps back from the big picture and question why there is so much suffering?

How would I feel if I had to forego certain luxuries in my life so that people around the globe could have more of them?

I meet artists who are so consumed with expression and capturing beauty that they don’t seem to notice the world around them. As I say I think that this is the natural way to be (or perhaps I am being presumptuous and they are actually doing everything in their power to help put an end to suffering).

‘During the war, it was suggested to (Winston Churchill) that funding (for the arts) should be cut in order to pay for munitions. “Then what are we fighting for?” he replied’ – exert from a newspaper article (I can’t remember which).

You call this civilised? What kind of civilisation allows such suffering?

I know that I am being naïve. People can’t just click their fingers and change the world. I do wonder if religion has a big hand in the problem though. I have a feeling that if the religious amongst us (and bearing in mind that celebrity and art and money amongst other things can be religions) were to realise that they are animals - genetically designed and environmentally moulded animals - then the world would be a better place.

This isn’t an excuse for them to sub cede to their natural instincts of greed and violence. It would reframe the question of what it means to be human being in a lot of people’s minds though. Morality is inbuilt through various mechanisms into our biology.

Maybe punishing someone because of their actions isn’t justified as nobody has any choice in the past that has shaped the decisions that they make and instead people should be punished when they go against their natural moral mechanisms.

The world looks pretty fucked up from where I’m standing. But maybe people just need the opportunity to understand.