Welfare

When I was first diagnosed with clinical psychosis my dad was keen to impress on me the importance of not giving in. He was concerned that the mental health professionals were going to wrap me up in cotton wool and be over cautious to the point that I was hardly moving forward at all. His advice remained with me in a way whilst I fought to get better - even if only in a subconscious form.

It’s strange being mentally ill because it’s very easy to forget that you are unwell. Or rather you don’t like to admit it to be true and so every time you have a panic attack or a dark day where the voices overwhelm you, you are quite taken aback. So, as you can imagine, when it comes to benefits it is very easy to feel like a thief or a cheat.

At times I believed I’d get better and be able to have a full time job with all the trimmings (I guess my dad’s words were still resounding in the back of my mind somewhere), but recently I stopped thinking about working. There are a lot of big changes happening in my life at the moment and the stress is proving to be very disrupting.

(I wouldn’t call it admitting defeat because it is definitely not that; I just had my sights set unrealistically high this time and actually it is an achievement to be able to come to terms with my own limits).

Now I rely on the welfare state because I am ill – or it could be that our world is ill, either way I am struggling to live day to day so something must be up! Everyday things seem to take more of a toll on me when compared with most of the other people in my life. I become worn out very quickly – although it’s rarely easy to pinpoint why this is.

Naturally I guess I’d have flown the nest by now; but unfortunately our world is far from natural. Maybe it is me who is ill; I may have a malformed brain – but what caused it to be so? It seems to me that the unnaturalness of our world may have had a part to play. If so then the natural process of child rearing simply goes out the window; which means that another system of support must take its place. Enter welfare.

But am I giving in too easily? I will keep on pushing of course but for the minute I must be sensible and embrace my limits and play the hand that I have been dealt. I guess that it’s disheartening but luckily I have the state to support me whilst I figure out a different route through this life.

Be yourself

When I was growing up I was always encouraged at home or at school to “be yourself”. I got a bit muddled somewhere along the way though; I’d watch films and instead of recognising characteristics that were already part of me, I found myself thinking “I want to be like that and I will be!”

That just plain isn’t healthy, so now I’m beginning to embrace who I am.

My dad was eager for me not to succumb to my diagnosis. He would always talk of how the service mollycoddles me. How they are being extra cautious and I that mustn’t allow myself to take on their cotton-wooling approach.

But I’m beginning to think that they’ve got a point.

I now see that am ill adjusted to the world around me; I don’t seem to fit in to the traditional niche. This is annoying because I would like to get a job to support and raise my family. It is now obvious that I must find a different way of achieving this goal.

I am an animal that hasn’t adapted to its environment.

Then there’s medication; I know that has changed who I am. I would like to lower my dose but I am worried that I’ll change for the worst if I do so. I feel quite numb at the moment so it would be great to experience a wider range of emotions. But this could come at a price which I don’t know if I’m willing to pay.

So I will be myself and learn to know what I think and develop confidence in my own opinions. I will embrace my limitations and make use of what help is out there for me. I will not measure myself by the rule of others.