State Benefit Stigma

Why am I so embarrassed for people to know that I am on benefits because of a mental health condition and why do I constantly feel like a cheat whenever I think about claiming?

I don’t work at the moment because I am physically unable to do so - I know, this sounds like a cop out even to me; as though I am just making excuses and I could actually work if I were to simply put in the effort.

But I shouldn’t feel that I am being stigmatised (even if it is all in my head).

Yet I still don’t want people to know that I claim benefits because somehow it feels like I’m doing nothing for something whereas they are working bloody hard for their paycheque.

I have a freedom pass (which lets me travel, as you guessed, for free) however the fact is that it isn’t really for free because I have to pay, not by money, but by the torment of not being able to earn my own way like other people and also by struggling in everyday life.

An interesting article:

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/quote-of-the-month/krishnamurti-measure-of-health

So, so tired

It doesn't seem to take much to wipe me out completely, and although there seems to be no discernible cause, as Jaffar says: things aren't always what they seem.

It's not something that I can reach out and touch, but I have my suspicions that a lot of what causes the tiredness lies beneath the surface.

Although I am not consciously stressing or worrying, somewhere in me there is a part that is doing so, and it is that which is being a huge drain on my energy levels.

Why I am oblivious to this process I'm not sure; I could have even locked myself out as a form of self defence.

Either way becoming completely wiped out is a frequently reoccurring problem for me. The question is how do you stop being stressed if it isn't something that's happening consciously?

Life is stressful at the end of the day and because I am mentally ill I must be extra cautious. This might mean not being able to work in general or having to not leave the house for periods of time and so being unreliable.

That is why I need support, which could come in the form of state benefits and the community mental health services amongst other things. 

It's hard to admit it but people like me are vulnerable individuals and need help to survive and ideally to thrive.

Welfare

When I was first diagnosed with clinical psychosis my dad was keen to impress on me the importance of not giving in. He was concerned that the mental health professionals were going to wrap me up in cotton wool and be over cautious to the point that I was hardly moving forward at all. His advice remained with me in a way whilst I fought to get better - even if only in a subconscious form.

It’s strange being mentally ill because it’s very easy to forget that you are unwell. Or rather you don’t like to admit it to be true and so every time you have a panic attack or a dark day where the voices overwhelm you, you are quite taken aback. So, as you can imagine, when it comes to benefits it is very easy to feel like a thief or a cheat.

At times I believed I’d get better and be able to have a full time job with all the trimmings (I guess my dad’s words were still resounding in the back of my mind somewhere), but recently I stopped thinking about working. There are a lot of big changes happening in my life at the moment and the stress is proving to be very disrupting.

(I wouldn’t call it admitting defeat because it is definitely not that; I just had my sights set unrealistically high this time and actually it is an achievement to be able to come to terms with my own limits).

Now I rely on the welfare state because I am ill – or it could be that our world is ill, either way I am struggling to live day to day so something must be up! Everyday things seem to take more of a toll on me when compared with most of the other people in my life. I become worn out very quickly – although it’s rarely easy to pinpoint why this is.

Naturally I guess I’d have flown the nest by now; but unfortunately our world is far from natural. Maybe it is me who is ill; I may have a malformed brain – but what caused it to be so? It seems to me that the unnaturalness of our world may have had a part to play. If so then the natural process of child rearing simply goes out the window; which means that another system of support must take its place. Enter welfare.

But am I giving in too easily? I will keep on pushing of course but for the minute I must be sensible and embrace my limits and play the hand that I have been dealt. I guess that it’s disheartening but luckily I have the state to support me whilst I figure out a different route through this life.