So, so tired

It doesn't seem to take much to wipe me out completely, and although there seems to be no discernible cause, as Jaffar says: things aren't always what they seem.

It's not something that I can reach out and touch, but I have my suspicions that a lot of what causes the tiredness lies beneath the surface.

Although I am not consciously stressing or worrying, somewhere in me there is a part that is doing so, and it is that which is being a huge drain on my energy levels.

Why I am oblivious to this process I'm not sure; I could have even locked myself out as a form of self defence.

Either way becoming completely wiped out is a frequently reoccurring problem for me. The question is how do you stop being stressed if it isn't something that's happening consciously?

Life is stressful at the end of the day and because I am mentally ill I must be extra cautious. This might mean not being able to work in general or having to not leave the house for periods of time and so being unreliable.

That is why I need support, which could come in the form of state benefits and the community mental health services amongst other things. 

It's hard to admit it but people like me are vulnerable individuals and need help to survive and ideally to thrive.

Does it ever feel like things are spiralling out of your control?

“The world is too big”

It’s become a real struggle lately to get through the days. I don’t seem to have the capacity to deal with everything that’s going on. Yesterday my brain got to a point where it decided to pull the covers over its head, shut its eyes and clamp its hands over its ears. I was left in a largely vegetative state; I was in no way anxious or unhappy, I was just numb.

My sister took me for a walk to see if that would help me feel more myself. Although I could look around and focus on the scenery, I couldn’t focus on it in my mind. The same went for my thoughts; I felt empty. There was no articulation going on in my mind except the intrusive loop of song lyrics. I felt like a blank canvas.

Song lyrics have become particularly oppressive recently. They never really bothered me before but now they are bad enough as to drive me to insanity. And they are not alone. The intrusive thoughts and images seem to be getting worse. I put this down to the lower antipsychotic dose I am on now.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!              

It feels like an uphill battle at the moment, like I’m straining to survive. It would be so easy to let my guard down and allow the intrusions to rule me. That does worry me quite a lot. What if I start to go along with those thoughts and ideas? I know in theory that they are my thoughts and ideas because they originate from my mind but I have to keep reminding myself of that.

When I’m tired the intrusions are particularly strong and unfortunately tiredness has become a feature of late. This I put down to the meds also. I heard that people with Schizophrenia have to work twice as hard as people not afflicted to deal with their thoughts. It’s no great leap to see how even a 2.5mg reduction of a 20mg dose could make a lot of difference in this respect.