"I want to rape women"

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ten years ago and I have intrusive auditory hallucinations like the one in the title of this post.

It feels like these thoughts are put in my head because there is a disconnection in my mind; so I don't recognise the 'voices' as my own (even though they technically are).

The things the voices say are the result of my primeval brain attempting to grapple with the modern, let's say unnatural world we live in. 

I am fortunate in that I can separate these voices from 'me', so I can take a step back and watch them happen without feeling guilty about having things like them in my head.

This is important because ordinarially the thoughts would possibly get acted upon, whereas I am able to put them in a box for you to see.

I hope you will see them and realise that we are mostly (some people are just bad eggs genetically of course) not to blame for our actions as it is the world being unnatural and incompatible with our primeval brains that really fucks us up.

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

Does it ever feel like things are spiralling out of your control?

“The world is too big”

It’s become a real struggle lately to get through the days. I don’t seem to have the capacity to deal with everything that’s going on. Yesterday my brain got to a point where it decided to pull the covers over its head, shut its eyes and clamp its hands over its ears. I was left in a largely vegetative state; I was in no way anxious or unhappy, I was just numb.

My sister took me for a walk to see if that would help me feel more myself. Although I could look around and focus on the scenery, I couldn’t focus on it in my mind. The same went for my thoughts; I felt empty. There was no articulation going on in my mind except the intrusive loop of song lyrics. I felt like a blank canvas.

Song lyrics have become particularly oppressive recently. They never really bothered me before but now they are bad enough as to drive me to insanity. And they are not alone. The intrusive thoughts and images seem to be getting worse. I put this down to the lower antipsychotic dose I am on now.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!              

It feels like an uphill battle at the moment, like I’m straining to survive. It would be so easy to let my guard down and allow the intrusions to rule me. That does worry me quite a lot. What if I start to go along with those thoughts and ideas? I know in theory that they are my thoughts and ideas because they originate from my mind but I have to keep reminding myself of that.

When I’m tired the intrusions are particularly strong and unfortunately tiredness has become a feature of late. This I put down to the meds also. I heard that people with Schizophrenia have to work twice as hard as people not afflicted to deal with their thoughts. It’s no great leap to see how even a 2.5mg reduction of a 20mg dose could make a lot of difference in this respect.

The Machine and Intrusions

I’ve often wondered if I’d live to see the invention of a machine that can show the thoughts in a person’s mind (be they images, sounds or emotions). After all, they are just tissue and electricity, right?

I started wondering this when I noticed that after I had made a certain incorrect decision like, say, watching a TV game show and giving the wrong answer to a question. On every occasion when it wasn’t a gamble, as soon as the correct answer was revealed, I kicked myself because a voice inside me had tried to give me the correct answer.

It is a faint voice but I believe it to be my instinct. However, almost 100% of the time what I would deem to be my consciousness steps in and tries to reason an answer and is able to prevail because I am just so full of myself.

But what if that machine was to be created which could measure instinct? So you plug yourself in and you allow your brain’s instinct do the thinking instead of your consciousness? It would surely make TV game shows different as I think the contestant’s brain would then have a higher success rate than that of their consciousness.

I used to wish for that machine to be created every so often but now I’m having second thoughts about that particular wish.

What if the machine could see the bad things that are in my head – or my intrusions as I have come to label them? Would people see me as a monster and lock me up for having the image in my head of grabbing a new born baby by its legs and repeatedly smashing its tiny head against the floor Droopy style? Or would I be seen as a sex criminal for having the image in my head of raping women?

I am told that although these intrusions seem a very real part of me, I have no obligation to them. I have even heard them called a form of internal Tourette’s syndrome. Never the less I still find them distressing sometimes (mainly when I’m tired) but at other times (when I’m not so tired) I can reason that they are basic primeval emotions that are manifest by being pushed through a civilised sieve.

I am also told that one technique is to let the intrusion voice itself. We are taught that resistance creates persistence; so that the more you try and force something to shut up the more it tries to get in.

Another way to deal with the intrusions is to describe them to someone. The thinking here is you will realise just how silly they really are. Obviously that has be done delicately; because people don’t react well to information that their friend or family member thinks about raping of hurting people – especially them!

Take this example: I was sitting in my class when I had the image intrude its way into my head of putting my penis in the teacher’s mouth. Ok, I thought how would that work? There’s a whole classroom of people here – not to mention the teacher herself – who aren’t going to stand by and allow you to do that. So then along came the intrusion with the image of waiting until everyone had left except the teacher and I and then knocking her out, pulling her trousers down and raping her unconscious body.

In the blink of an eye that image was injected into my mind; I had no volition in the matter.

This is the first time I have voiced this. Now that I have written it down it does seem silly and it doesn’t feel like me at all. You have been my guinea pig so thank you. I understand it can be hard to use this particular technique and that you don’t want to throw any more fuel on the fire but believe me it is very liberating so give it a try..