"I want to rape women"

I was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia ten years ago and I have intrusive auditory hallucinations like the one in the title of this post.

It feels like these thoughts are put in my head because there is a disconnection in my mind; so I don't recognise the 'voices' as my own (even though they technically are).

The things the voices say are the result of my primeval brain attempting to grapple with the modern, let's say unnatural world we live in. 

I am fortunate in that I can separate these voices from 'me', so I can take a step back and watch them happen without feeling guilty about having things like them in my head.

This is important because ordinarially the thoughts would possibly get acted upon, whereas I am able to put them in a box for you to see.

I hope you will see them and realise that we are mostly (some people are just bad eggs genetically of course) not to blame for our actions as it is the world being unnatural and incompatible with our primeval brains that really fucks us up.

Are we on the same evolutionary wavelength?

I’ve been going along under the assumption that men and women’s natures have evolved to fit together – but what if this isn’t the case?

After all, evolution isn’t about evolving towards something; it’s about how suited you are to your current environment. We aren’t perfectly adapted to our environment; we’re just the fittest being that has evolved so far.

So what if, in the same vein, each sex isn’t perfectly adapted to the other?

Psychic Ability

I met a medium the other day who was convinced that she had the ability to communicate with the dead. She said that she would sense a person when talking to someone – not see them but feel their shape.

It struck me that maybe what she’s sensing is unconscious and non-verbal signals from the person whom she’s with, and interpreting them as a supernatural ability.

Do we give off signals unconsciously - perhaps through our facial expressions or pheromone emissions - that can be picked up on by a naturally astute observer? 

Who will survive?

The worlds population is growing out of control and consuming more and more energy which is destroying the planet. Unless much more is done we will eventually reach a point where nature will take its course and only the fittest (if any) will survive - who will they be? 

A physical example: People have been able to survive illnesses like thyroid problems because of medication. If societies collapse then no more medication will be made leaving the 'weak' to die slow painful deaths or avoid that fate by taking their own lives.

Cosmetic youth - Why we hate ageing

The following takes place subconsciously..

Men have the resources to sire hundreds of offspring but women invest so much in each of the few they can gestate and raise. They are therefore evolved to choose mates who can be faithful and support their young.

Men are attracted to youth because it's a good sign that their children will be healthier so is it any surprise that women somehow know this and so value looking young despite growing old?

From cosmetic surgery to anti ageing lotion and dying away those telltale grey hairs, could women be afraid of growing old simply because it potentially means losing the security of a father for their children (or potential children)? 

Furthermore could a man's interest in a younger model during the (in)famous midlife crisis be a perfectly natural evolutionary mechanism at work? 

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

Each to their own (I'm right)

We all have different views on different things; but what if everything is reducible to scientific measurement? Things like morality; what if the only law is selfishness bound by a network of systems of control?

Wouldn’t that change things significantly?

I hear a lot about the big questions, for example: why are we here? Somehow it is assumed that there must be some great meaning behind the fact that we are living, thinking beings – I mean there must be!

But what if there isn’t a ‘great’ greater meaning? What if all of these questions have a surprisingly simple answer? What if I am a collection of organic material that is functioning under universal laws – just like a robot does?

Someone has to be right and someone else wrong at the end of the day; there is no room for ambiguity. If, as Richard Dawkins says, morality is inbuilt into us as selfishness (for example the achievement of social status through altruistic behaviour) then can every question be boiled down to the measurable science of nature?

A world without magic

Are you scared that this is it and you aren’t anything beyond your body?

Is that really such a bad thing? What are the implications of such a reality? For one thing life becomes a whole lot more valuable, doesn’t it? You only have a limited time so why would you want to spend it in displeasure?

What is so special about magic anyway?

Is there anything wrong with everything being a product of nature and measurable by science? Would this make ours a cold world?

I guess it’s easy to lose sight of the scale of things; how large things are and how miniscule and intricate they are at the same time. Who has any need of the supernatural with all of that?!

Does art have a place in a Universe where science rules all? Will it be limited to the purely aesthetic in the (maybe distant?) future?

What I mean is: will self-expression become obsolete if and when there is harmony in the world? Will there be anything to express when there is no religion, crime, conflict or inequality and we are all happy?

The Value of Life

You probably think that life is valuable; but is it?

As a human I believe myself to have a better concept of death than, for example, a chicken does. Unfortunately being able to conceptualise death can cause a lot of pain when people do die.  And for whatever reason, it is safe to say that the living suffer when their loved ones are lost.

Does this ability to suffer loss mean that our lives have value? Does it mean that the lives of animals that aren’t capable of conceptualising death like us aren’t as valuable?

I don’t see a difference in value between the life of a human and that of a chicken; ideologically for me they are both valued at level zero. And so for example I don’t have a problem with eating meat (I am omnivorous after all).

I don’t want to kill another person but that does not mean that I value their life over that of a chicken. I wouldn’t want to cause any suffering to a person's loved ones; and I definitely would not want to cause suffering to myself by murdering a them.

If you look at the damage the humans have done to the planet, would you really choose to save the life of a human over that of a chicken? We have perverted the natural order and it has to stop.

Wake up to the facts, the world would be a much better place if the human race were to go extinct; and if that isn’t a wake-up call then I don’t know what is!

Why I’m thankful for Hitler

Do you ever wonder why you weren’t born into a different body at a different time?

Children are natural dualists: they feel there is a body and a mind and that the two are separate, which is a difficult habit to break. I have now come to realise that we are our bodies and that there isn’t a ‘spirit’ that transcends our physical form.

I like this idea because it makes sense to me. It is impossible that I could be someone else because I am a bunch organic material pieced together by genes. I am unique because the sex cells that became me contained unique combinations of instructions and the environment I matured in whilst gestating, and then the environment I grew up in once born were and are both unique too.

The point is that without every tiny bit of history that led up to me being conceived (and that led my nurturing), I would not be here as I am now. And this is where Hitler comes into it; without him (and all other people throughout history for that matter) I would not exist and I find that amazing.

Am I still ill?

They labelled me; first with OCD and later as a paranoid schizophrenic. Now I wonder what it’d be like living without a label.

Back in school when my problems started I thought that everyone was going through the same difficulties as me but somehow, where I wasn’t able to deal with them, they were. Then came the diagnosis and with it everything suddenly made sense.

(There’s no use speculating as to whether my problems had something to do with my head injury or whether they were there from the beginning - I just don’t know. There is also the possibility that the world is just too fucked up for my poor human brain to cope with!)

A lot of people aren’t very receptive when receiving a diagnosis of mental illness, but I was. There was something romantic about being diagnosed and having treatment and being prescribed medication. It made me feel special.

I felt like I was out of the TV program Six Feet Under, being put on meds; and that made me feel even more special. I used to try and meld myself to the personalities of the characters I’d see on TV and in movies instead of simply recognising portions of myself that resonated with them.

I remember sitting in with the psychiatrist and saying that the world doesn’t seem real to me. I didn’t know if my parents were really my parents; I didn’t even know which thoughts were my own.

I’m always trying to find a reason. Why can’t I work while at the same time I am ok doing other things? Is it weird not knowing why you’re unable to do something? Maybe it’s like with science in that some things just haven’t been proved yet.

I am this way and there is a reason behind it but it just hasn’t been understood yet. That’s interesting though because even with a reason to validate it, it doesn’t change anything. Giving something a name doesn’t mean it’s resolved like with the discovery of a new element.

Is understanding fundamental to overcoming your problems? “Knowledge is power”, right? Or is it? Maybe living by your instincts is the key to happiness. But who can do that? The world is a lie that has grown out of control. We are all fucked up pieces of meat who don’t have a clue! Born into a world that doesn’t make sense, that isn’t natural. Trying to live instinctively because that is natural but then this man made thing comes along and it all goes Pete Tong!

Nobody fits into a box. We all live in the grey areas and that is what makes us fantastic. You can’t say I’m a paranoid schizophrenic because that is an empty statement. I am a human; there is nothing wrong with me. I am not ill; I am just grey.

You can diagnose someone with a physical problem like diabetes but mental illness is totally different; there’s no evidence that for everyone it is a problem in the brain. I think it’s a problem with the world we live in.

So what to do?