All schizophrenics go to hell

For as long as I can remember I’ve always been very creative; but also sensitive to the world around me (as many others are I'd imagine). This was okay when I was young because I was a child then and it’s a fact that children are nuts.

However at some point I found the world around me was too much to cope with and as a result I imagined and created a reality for myself where I was in a kind of coma and the world and everybody in it was a figment of my imagination.

At the time this helped a lot, although I was only living a half-life I suppose.

This coping mechanism probably had something to do with my imaginative capabilities, but unfortunately I got so messed up in trying to marry up my nature with a world that is fundamentally unnatural, that in the end I literally shut down everything, leaving just a shell with nothing inside.

Eventually I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.

Recently, though, I was introduced to the idea of auditory hallucinations, and because the things in my head do feel external to what I would consider ‘my’ thinking, it seemed to fit that this was what I was experiencing.

There was now a line between the true me and the evil 'voices'.

Of late, I’m starting to wonder if these voices are nothing more sinister than my own imagination. Have I been making a distinction with them simply because they can be pretty nasty and distressing and go against what I would consider to be my personal values?

I’ve also been noting with interest that, often, when I am thinking of something to write, I will just sit back and wait for a voice to pipe up with an idea - of course I don’t always jump on the first thing to be thrown up, since all manner of things appear before me.

The interesting thing is that these ideas feel as though they are coming from the same place as do the voices which plague me especially at darker times.

That’s why I’ve started to wonder if the so called hallucinations aren’t a symptom of a problem with me, but are in fact the imagination which I never learned to cope with and so shut away and abandoned along with everything else.

I suppose it now follows that my new challenge is to re-engage with my imagination.

I can see that the thoughts which - thanks to my religious upbringing (also known as child abuse) - I would have perceived as sins and so tried to suppress, are not evil and do not make me hell worthy.

I am now atheist, as it happens, and so free of the fear of this kind of thought transgression anyway. Unfortunately I am the person I am today because of my experiences, so it is going to be difficult to change – not impossible, but definitely difficult.

At least now I am not afraid to be around people whilst hearing voices and seeing images telling me that I want to rape/punch/kiss/kick/etc them. It is still difficult to be around people because I’m not always on the ball like I am now and tiredness (among other things) plays a major factor in hampering my ability to cope.

The content of the ideas may be troubling but I believe it stems from the fact that my brain is not only a primeval one and not suited to the modern world, but also an extra sensitive and creative one too.

I found no god!

You hear about people who live wasteful lives until one day they wake up and find god.

I used to believe in god as a child/early adolescent, but now I don't and it's been completely liberating.

Now I think that anything anyone does is based on their natural selfish instincts - including seemingly selfless acts. 

Realising this has given me a whole new invigorating perspective on life and helped me grow in confidence in myself.

I no longer see morality as what I'm being told to do - or not to do - by a god. 

Instead selfishness is the rule and people are shaped by their nature and nurture and kept in check by the systems of control, such as the laws of their society. 

Scrap all religion?

My nanny (grandmother, not child carer) believes in the christian god. She lost her sister when she was young and so clings to the hope that they'll be reunited in heaven.

I don't believe in her god - I am atheist about all gods including hers. We have discussions, during which I am constantly aware of her reason for worship and belief (although admittedly some days I may be in a funny mood and not have the patience for such considerations).

I take the view that if it makes her happy then what's the problem? Also by the time that she does die it won't matter what she believed during her life because she'll be no more and none the wiser. 

But there are people out there who do cause suffering to others because of their beliefs. For the sake of the harmers does this mean that all religion should be scrapped? How can you permit some people to believe but deny it to others, when belief is the same across the board?

What Kind of Mind are You?

Scenting

In her TED talk (link below), Temple Grandin talks about how we all have something different to contribute to society. So naturally I began to think about what it is that I contribute.

I like to draw and play music and learn about things and understand them. You could call it putting things into boxes and you would probably be right on the money.

(Is there anything wrong with doing that?)

I realise that I won’t be able to develop new scientific technology or cure things like cancer; but what I can do is allow the world that I experience to be filtered through me and all of my experience so that when it comes out it is in the form of insight that can have some prevalence in the lives of others.

What do you have to contribute to this world?

http://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds.html

A test of faith

I used to think the fact that I am here as a living thinking being was proof of a divine creator. How could I (or anything) exist otherwise? Why is there something rather than nothing?

I am told that God purposely hides away from us so that we must believe without seeing. If that’s the case, and he wants to test our faith, then surely the fact that there IS something rather than nothing is the total opposite of hiding away.

You could argue that science’s advancements such as the theory of a Universe from nothing could have been designed by God as a test of faith; tempting people to be atheist on the grounds that there was no apparent need for a creator.

But why hide yourself by creating a universe that looks as though it could come into existence entirely naturally and in doing so remove yourself from the equation? 

A world without magic

Are you scared that this is it and you aren’t anything beyond your body?

Is that really such a bad thing? What are the implications of such a reality? For one thing life becomes a whole lot more valuable, doesn’t it? You only have a limited time so why would you want to spend it in displeasure?

What is so special about magic anyway?

Is there anything wrong with everything being a product of nature and measurable by science? Would this make ours a cold world?

I guess it’s easy to lose sight of the scale of things; how large things are and how miniscule and intricate they are at the same time. Who has any need of the supernatural with all of that?!

Does art have a place in a Universe where science rules all? Will it be limited to the purely aesthetic in the (maybe distant?) future?

What I mean is: will self-expression become obsolete if and when there is harmony in the world? Will there be anything to express when there is no religion, crime, conflict or inequality and we are all happy?

The Value of Life

You probably think that life is valuable; but is it?

As a human I believe myself to have a better concept of death than, for example, a chicken does. Unfortunately being able to conceptualise death can cause a lot of pain when people do die.  And for whatever reason, it is safe to say that the living suffer when their loved ones are lost.

Does this ability to suffer loss mean that our lives have value? Does it mean that the lives of animals that aren’t capable of conceptualising death like us aren’t as valuable?

I don’t see a difference in value between the life of a human and that of a chicken; ideologically for me they are both valued at level zero. And so for example I don’t have a problem with eating meat (I am omnivorous after all).

I don’t want to kill another person but that does not mean that I value their life over that of a chicken. I wouldn’t want to cause any suffering to a person's loved ones; and I definitely would not want to cause suffering to myself by murdering a them.

If you look at the damage the humans have done to the planet, would you really choose to save the life of a human over that of a chicken? We have perverted the natural order and it has to stop.

Wake up to the facts, the world would be a much better place if the human race were to go extinct; and if that isn’t a wake-up call then I don’t know what is!

Religion

I have to die. I can’t bare the doubt anymore. If I die then two things will happen;

1.       Nothing

2.       Something

Either way I’ll feel better. If nothing happens then I won’t know any different, but if something happens then it will all be resolved.

This was my thinking when I was twenty years old. I have been told it is psychotic and I no longer agree with my reasoning back then. For one, based on what I’ve been taught, I’d be going straight to hell for sure - so it wasn’t the best thought out plan.

Luckily I don’t believe in heaven and hell anymore. I am now happy I didn’t kill myself because all I have at the end of the day is my life and so that would have been an awful waste.

But was my thinking any more psychotic than that of the millions who believe in God and are prepared to die and kill for that belief (probably not in that order)?

But then if they are not psychotic then does that mean I’m not either? If I based my idea to kill myself on the beliefs of many then is it a psychotic idea?

Hold on…. am I normal?

Have I tailored my life to my diagnosis? The boot does seem to fit: I hear voices talking in my head independently of my thoughts and I also have horrible images in my head that seem to be inserted somehow.

But could these be normal, everyday experiences? And if I had never been labelled would they have paled into insignificance a long time ago? Or would I have killed myself from sheer frustration many times over by now?

Who knows?

I am starting to understand that I am not my label.

The malignant melanoma of our world

It’s very morbid but they say death is a natural part of life. I don’t see anything wrong with contemplating one’s own mortality. I learnt recently that getting sunburnt even once before your mid-teens can double your chances of developing skin cancer. Most of our holidays to Spain during my childhood generally followed the same pattern; we’d get horribly sunburnt on the first day and then spend the remainder of the holiday inside in a rather large amount of pain so god only knows what my chances are of developing skin cancer!

Of course you could die at any time but you don’t think that way do you? Even when confronted by Damien Hirst’s shark preserved in formaldehyde all I saw was a freak show. I then learnt its actual title was ‘The Physical Impossibility of Death in the Mind of Someone Living’, not a bad title.

One of my chief thoughts when I’m writing things down (which I do often and it seems to keep me sane) is, following my death, what would my fiancée think when she reads the many journals and iPhone notes I am continuingly compiling? I’d like to add that I don’t foresee my death any time soon.

When I was younger and I was making drawings I used to be surrounded by a cloud of voices. They would often praise me, which was nice but as my disability developed they became more hostile and distressing until I finally shut down my thinking all together in order to avoid them.

Now, though, I am beginning to access my thinking more and more. Could it be the medication I am taking that enables me to do so? I don’t know.

But back to the topic; say I do develop malignant melanoma and it’s so aggressive that there is nothing that I can do and I am dead within weeks. What would be left? I don’t believe in an afterlife in any shape or form; I’m not sure I even believe in me; instead I see myself as a collection of thoughts which themselves are merely electricity passing through an organic machine.

I heard the word ‘Legacy’ yesterday whilst watching a film called Sinister and it certainly struck a chord. It reminded me of how Henri Matisse professed his love of art over that of his wife. I am an artist and have often mused upon this topic.

What it comes down to is that I am an animal (not in the sexually provocative sense of course). I am a part of nature not separate from it. What matters fundamentally is the reproduction of my genes. This doesn’t mean I can’t love my fiancée but what it does mean is that love is an evolutionary function that has come about in order to produce this effect.

I look into her eyes and it makes me feel all warm and fluffy inside. Why is this? Is “because you’re in love” enough of an explanation? I feel that way so why question it? Why do you need a deeper meaning?

One day we hope to have children of our own. That, Sinister vocalised for me, is my legacy. My fiancée tells me to focus on my own life and not worry about the lives of others so much. I can understand how that is a very natural way to be. We evolved to live in small groups and now we live in a world populated by over 6 billion people. I am told that this change happened so fast that our primeval brains weren’t able to keep up.

But that is the reality we live in. I have this idea that the world is broken – or rather it is like a lie that has grown out of control by continual propagation over the ages. Am I right? I sit here in my living room listening to Radio 3 and looking out of the double glazed windows at a manicured lawn and what I see is suffering.

Do I want my legacy to be selfishness at standing by while people suffer? “You can’t change it so don’t bother”, “Why not go and work in Africa building wells then?” I am asked. Maybe I am being selfish by not taking action personally. I tell myself “you are doing what you can, don’t kick yourself, you have schizophrenia”.

Wouldn’t it be perverse if it was my schizophrenia that has given me the ability to take the necessary steps back from the big picture and question why there is so much suffering?

How would I feel if I had to forego certain luxuries in my life so that people around the globe could have more of them?

I meet artists who are so consumed with expression and capturing beauty that they don’t seem to notice the world around them. As I say I think that this is the natural way to be (or perhaps I am being presumptuous and they are actually doing everything in their power to help put an end to suffering).

‘During the war, it was suggested to (Winston Churchill) that funding (for the arts) should be cut in order to pay for munitions. “Then what are we fighting for?” he replied’ – exert from a newspaper article (I can’t remember which).

You call this civilised? What kind of civilisation allows such suffering?

I know that I am being naïve. People can’t just click their fingers and change the world. I do wonder if religion has a big hand in the problem though. I have a feeling that if the religious amongst us (and bearing in mind that celebrity and art and money amongst other things can be religions) were to realise that they are animals - genetically designed and environmentally moulded animals - then the world would be a better place.

This isn’t an excuse for them to sub cede to their natural instincts of greed and violence. It would reframe the question of what it means to be human being in a lot of people’s minds though. Morality is inbuilt through various mechanisms into our biology.

Maybe punishing someone because of their actions isn’t justified as nobody has any choice in the past that has shaped the decisions that they make and instead people should be punished when they go against their natural moral mechanisms.

The world looks pretty fucked up from where I’m standing. But maybe people just need the opportunity to understand.