Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing
their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a
good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are
unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and
there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.
When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a
stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It
takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over
five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t
always go depending on how I’m doing that week.
Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious
because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your
mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or
two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.
I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when
I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a
week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my
thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.
It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as
though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts
and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something
that will mean encountering them.
After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting
other people in their head?
