A wheelchair ramp for the mind

Today I was walking past a bank and saw an employee trying to set up a ramp so that a lady in a wheelchair could enter the building. 

It struck me how she wasn't embarrassed and in fact was directing the uninformed man as to how he should set it up.

Then I reflected on how uncomfortable I become when dealing with anything to do with - what you could term my wheelchair ramp to life - benefits.

I'm told by my care team that I am fully entitled to all I receive and yet I always feel like I am doing something wrong.

When I was first ill I didn't even recognise that there was something wrong in the way that someone who's legs had stopped working would have done. 

I ended up affecting all kinds of illnesses that I thought my parents would believe, because how could I say "I can't go to school but I don't know why", and expect them to believe me?

Surely it shouldn't be this way - and yet if even I as a sufferer am feeling guilty, then I can only imagine how a person with no experience of my invisible illness would view me and my difficulties!

Ignorance and discrimination

A few weeks ago my freedom pass stopped working so I ordered a replacement. The bus drivers were all kind and allowed me to travel despite it not scanning (the pass has a picture of me and the date of expiry on it).

Unfortunately when I ordered the replacement the payment was taken but - unknown to me - the order not put through. I waited the ten working days that it could take but it never arrived.

My wife had a hospital appointment so we hopped on the bus to get there and I asked the driver if I could get on though my pass had stopped working.

It turned out I the same driver had allowed me onboard with my broken pass two weeks ago.

I have a freedom pass because I suffer with mental illness so need the support where I am unable to afford things like travel due to not being fit for work. 

You'd have thought a bus driver would understand the vulnerability of someone needing a freedom pass but this one obviously didn't.

He accused me of not ordering a new pass and then told me to surrender the faulty one so that I'd have the motivation to order a replacement.

He then went on to tell me I'd be breaking the law if I refused to hand the faulty pass over.

I became very distressed at this point and didn't know what to do. I ended up getting off the bus but was in such a state that the voices in my head were yelling at me to hurt myself.

I didn't do so but ended up breaking down in the high street in an effort to try and contain myself.

Of course the driver wasn't aware of the administrative error that delayed my new pass getting to me; but to treat someone who is clearly vulnerable (a young person with a freedom pass is bound to be) like that  is plain ignorant in my book. 

Panic attacked

Most situations we find ourselves in are generally predictable: chatting with the check out lady at Sainsbury's for example; or being on the receiving end of some banter when it comes to light that you're a Chelsea fan.

But what about when faced with mental health stigma? 

In the past I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks because I simply didn't know how to be in certain situations. I didn't understand myself personally so how could I go about explaining what was going on inside me to another person so that they could understand? 

I found myself again and again in such situations, paralysed and in a state. Gradually though I have grown to understand more about myself, and even found a comfort and confidence along the way. 

I haven't experienced anxiety or panic attacks in a long time, which I put down to this development of character. 

I still don't know how each person will react when I tell them that I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of course, but I don't care so much now because I understand it a lot more myself.

I am confident being open about my diagnosis and about the difficulties I may have in a situation. This may be detrimental to whether people feel comfortable with me but if I were to hide that part of me, I would have no safety net to fall back on were things to take a turn for the worse.