The antipsychotic tablets which I take nightly are major tranquilisers
so it is often difficult to wake up in the mornings. Then my now fiancée came
along and when I struggle to wake up she is there to help me.
The other day I realised that it isn’t just actual sleep
that she rouses me from; symbolically she has also woken me up in my life as well.
Following the trauma of my psychotic episodes (and
without even really thinking about it) I shut myself off from the world. My
body spent its days at home focusing on learning Japanese (long story). It did
get out but it did so just a shell with no real personality or opinions.
Then my fiancée to be entered my life and somewhere along
the way something clicked. I suddenly felt the tug of purpose trying to rouse
me from inside my comatose shell; it may sound corny but she had given me a
reason to live.
I didn’t break through straight away but the ball was
rolling and it started with art. I had given up art when my illness first
materialised but now I felt the push to re-embrace it. This was difficult to do
because I was still mostly shut away.
I needed to process what was going on but I was too
scared to throw open the flood gates. How it started I don’t know but I began
to write; processing things a bit at a time and eventually forming concepts
that I turned into paintings.
The more I did this the more confidence I was able to
build and I gradually began to form opinions of my own. Just like she does
when I struggle with mornings, my fiancée had awoken me from the stupor that my
illness had anaesthetised me into.
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