Retrospective

A hundred years ago someone said that everything that we ever needed had already been invented. Do you ever wonder what people in the future will think when they look back at the world as it is today (in the event that a clean alternative is found for fossil fuel, so that the world doesn’t tear itself apart when supplies run low – oh and don’t forget someone discovering how to undo climate change)?

One of the things that strikes me personally is medication. I am taking the a-typical antipsychotic called Olanzapine. As far as my understanding goes antipsychotics were discovered to be effective treatments for psychosis by accident and it is not fully known why they work.

While taking it I have noticed significant changes in my emotional spectrum AS well as a reduction in psychotic thinking. Now that the dose has been lower slightly I am beginning to rediscover (sometimes overwhelmingly) my original emotional range. Unfortunately the positive symptoms appear to have grown slightly stronger too.

But is the medication a good thing? Does it treat the condition or the symptoms?

Apparently advances in genetics will have a big part to play in the future of how Schizophrenic disorders are treated and even cured. Also, the medication - such as the one that I am on - whilst alleviating the symptoms may be causing long term damage to the patient’s physiology.

Is it so difficult to picture a medical professor lecturing his pupils in the future on the archaic medicines that used to be prescribed so readily; in the same way that people now think about prefrontal lobotomies? Of course a lot of people are finding they are better off on medication as there is no alternative treatment at the moment beside psycho-socio therapy……or is there?

You could call it a conspiracy theory (and don’t worry, I’m keeping a close watch on this one) but I recently heard of a ruse by the pharmaceutical companies in America to suppress information about natural medicines that are equally effective as their counterparts – but without the unpleasant side effects – simply because they aren’t patentable and so wouldn’t make any money for their companies.

Is it true? Why would so many people testify that they are getting better naturally? And what is in it for them? Is it just me or isn’t it easier to believe that the pharmaceutical companies would choose to deny the efficacy of natural treatment because they have such a high stake in the game?

I don’t know what damage the Olanzapine is doing to my body. I read on the leaflet that comes in every box that tardive dyskinesia and diabetes can await the long term user so I’m slightly worried and eager to get my dose lowered as quickly as possible.

I’ve been on a dose of 17.5mg down from 20mg for over four months now and things are definitely better but it was not an easy period. It’s been four months of disruption and frustration and pain for me and my loved ones. Finally though things seem to have levelled out and I can start wondering how the months following the next drop will pan out?

Innocence

“You’re too nice sometimes”, my fiancée has informed me on several occasions. I wouldn’t deny that I am not as hardened to the world as she, but is that a bad thing? Is the world I live in an unnatural one?

If I had the opportunity of doing something for someone which would make their life easier (even if doing so would jeopardise my happiness in a way) then I would do it. I do gain happiness I suppose because I am helping out a person but is doing so in their best favour?

The phrase “You have to be cruel to be kind” springs to mind. Am I limiting said person’s happiness by my action? You might think me a pushover to see me act that way and I think that is exactly what my fiancé feels. The thing is, I don’t go about the task grumbling and complaining about the injustice. I also don’t want to tell a grown adult what to do or what not do because they need to figure it out for themselves.

I’ll admit that sometimes I am scared by the fallout of a request to help me wash the dishes for example (founded on experience I might add) so in order to keep the peace I’ll keep quiet. The only problem with that is that it gets bottled up inside and is primed to explode at the slightest irritation.

I found my body shutting itself down the other day rather than dealing with the situation. Even now I find that there is something blocking me from looking at what made me shut down. It was a very odd and novel experience to find myself in that state.

I was still able to function on a surface level but everything below that was just like static. I had no thoughts or annoying song lyrics stuck in my head; I felt like I was floating along.

“You think everyone is good”, my fiancée also informs occasionally. It’s hard to say whether I’m inclined one way or the other to be honest. Logically I believe that everyone has a sense of morality inbuilt through evolution. I believe that right and wrong can only be viewed through an evolutionary lens.

Unfortunately it seems to me that the way in which the world (I live in) works, seems to pollute its people. I like to think that I am a lot more in touch with nature in my innocence to that world.

Because of my disability I have not been able to hold down a job – even a voluntary one. I haven’t been put under the pressures of poverty or hunger and I have a strong nuclear family supporting me through everything that I am going through.

This may be the reason I am nice and not a complete bastard and also why I am unable to cope with whatever it is that I was unable to process, made me shut down and which I am still able to approach without it burrowing its way out of sight.