Innocence

“You’re too nice sometimes”, my fiancée has informed me on several occasions. I wouldn’t deny that I am not as hardened to the world as she, but is that a bad thing? Is the world I live in an unnatural one?

If I had the opportunity of doing something for someone which would make their life easier (even if doing so would jeopardise my happiness in a way) then I would do it. I do gain happiness I suppose because I am helping out a person but is doing so in their best favour?

The phrase “You have to be cruel to be kind” springs to mind. Am I limiting said person’s happiness by my action? You might think me a pushover to see me act that way and I think that is exactly what my fiancé feels. The thing is, I don’t go about the task grumbling and complaining about the injustice. I also don’t want to tell a grown adult what to do or what not do because they need to figure it out for themselves.

I’ll admit that sometimes I am scared by the fallout of a request to help me wash the dishes for example (founded on experience I might add) so in order to keep the peace I’ll keep quiet. The only problem with that is that it gets bottled up inside and is primed to explode at the slightest irritation.

I found my body shutting itself down the other day rather than dealing with the situation. Even now I find that there is something blocking me from looking at what made me shut down. It was a very odd and novel experience to find myself in that state.

I was still able to function on a surface level but everything below that was just like static. I had no thoughts or annoying song lyrics stuck in my head; I felt like I was floating along.

“You think everyone is good”, my fiancée also informs occasionally. It’s hard to say whether I’m inclined one way or the other to be honest. Logically I believe that everyone has a sense of morality inbuilt through evolution. I believe that right and wrong can only be viewed through an evolutionary lens.

Unfortunately it seems to me that the way in which the world (I live in) works, seems to pollute its people. I like to think that I am a lot more in touch with nature in my innocence to that world.

Because of my disability I have not been able to hold down a job – even a voluntary one. I haven’t been put under the pressures of poverty or hunger and I have a strong nuclear family supporting me through everything that I am going through.

This may be the reason I am nice and not a complete bastard and also why I am unable to cope with whatever it is that I was unable to process, made me shut down and which I am still able to approach without it burrowing its way out of sight.