Does it ever feel like things are spiralling out of your control?

“The world is too big”

It’s become a real struggle lately to get through the days. I don’t seem to have the capacity to deal with everything that’s going on. Yesterday my brain got to a point where it decided to pull the covers over its head, shut its eyes and clamp its hands over its ears. I was left in a largely vegetative state; I was in no way anxious or unhappy, I was just numb.

My sister took me for a walk to see if that would help me feel more myself. Although I could look around and focus on the scenery, I couldn’t focus on it in my mind. The same went for my thoughts; I felt empty. There was no articulation going on in my mind except the intrusive loop of song lyrics. I felt like a blank canvas.

Song lyrics have become particularly oppressive recently. They never really bothered me before but now they are bad enough as to drive me to insanity. And they are not alone. The intrusive thoughts and images seem to be getting worse. I put this down to the lower antipsychotic dose I am on now.

CONSTANT VIGILANCE!!              

It feels like an uphill battle at the moment, like I’m straining to survive. It would be so easy to let my guard down and allow the intrusions to rule me. That does worry me quite a lot. What if I start to go along with those thoughts and ideas? I know in theory that they are my thoughts and ideas because they originate from my mind but I have to keep reminding myself of that.

When I’m tired the intrusions are particularly strong and unfortunately tiredness has become a feature of late. This I put down to the meds also. I heard that people with Schizophrenia have to work twice as hard as people not afflicted to deal with their thoughts. It’s no great leap to see how even a 2.5mg reduction of a 20mg dose could make a lot of difference in this respect.