Exposure therapy (my way)

They told me that all I needed to do was get there. Once I'd done that I would see that it wasn't so bad and I'd be ok; the anxiety and panic attacks would go.

But what if the thing causing me to react as such couldn't be beaten this way? 

What if being around other people is such a struggle because of the extreme paranoia that they are against you; a paranoia that, if denied by anyone, would only worsen the suspicion you feel?

That's the problem with learnt behaviour. For so long that was my whole world. I'd live every moment with that in my mind. Sometimes it's be at the front and sometimes more towards the back.

It's taken years of care but I've now learnt different behaviour and the paranoia has dwindled significantly. For me it wasn't about a big exposure but lots of little ones instead; building confidence day by day.

I still get uncomfortable but then I'm still learning. 

Who will survive?

The worlds population is growing out of control and consuming more and more energy which is destroying the planet. Unless much more is done we will eventually reach a point where nature will take its course and only the fittest (if any) will survive - who will they be? 

A physical example: People have been able to survive illnesses like thyroid problems because of medication. If societies collapse then no more medication will be made leaving the 'weak' to die slow painful deaths or avoid that fate by taking their own lives.

Cosmetic youth - Why we hate ageing

The following takes place subconsciously..

Men have the resources to sire hundreds of offspring but women invest so much in each of the few they can gestate and raise. They are therefore evolved to choose mates who can be faithful and support their young.

Men are attracted to youth because it's a good sign that their children will be healthier so is it any surprise that women somehow know this and so value looking young despite growing old?

From cosmetic surgery to anti ageing lotion and dying away those telltale grey hairs, could women be afraid of growing old simply because it potentially means losing the security of a father for their children (or potential children)? 

Furthermore could a man's interest in a younger model during the (in)famous midlife crisis be a perfectly natural evolutionary mechanism at work? 

Ignorance or irresponsibility

How dare our landlord allow us to live in a building with no damp proof course and then blame it on us when the walls grow mould due to rising damp?

Is he ignorant of how buildings work or does he understand them and yet chooses to carry on regardless?

It's hard to tell because he seems convinced that all we need to do is keep the windows open and get the air circulating.

One, it's now winter and two, we wouldn't need to do anything of the sort if he'd taken the responsibility to sort the building out in the first place!

I have a mental disability so my wife is trying to support me as well as deal with the building issues. It's now got to a point where neither the landlord nor the council seem to care and we're out of energy. 

A wheelchair ramp for the mind

Today I was walking past a bank and saw an employee trying to set up a ramp so that a lady in a wheelchair could enter the building. 

It struck me how she wasn't embarrassed and in fact was directing the uninformed man as to how he should set it up.

Then I reflected on how uncomfortable I become when dealing with anything to do with - what you could term my wheelchair ramp to life - benefits.

I'm told by my care team that I am fully entitled to all I receive and yet I always feel like I am doing something wrong.

When I was first ill I didn't even recognise that there was something wrong in the way that someone who's legs had stopped working would have done. 

I ended up affecting all kinds of illnesses that I thought my parents would believe, because how could I say "I can't go to school but I don't know why", and expect them to believe me?

Surely it shouldn't be this way - and yet if even I as a sufferer am feeling guilty, then I can only imagine how a person with no experience of my invisible illness would view me and my difficulties!

Ignorance and discrimination

A few weeks ago my freedom pass stopped working so I ordered a replacement. The bus drivers were all kind and allowed me to travel despite it not scanning (the pass has a picture of me and the date of expiry on it).

Unfortunately when I ordered the replacement the payment was taken but - unknown to me - the order not put through. I waited the ten working days that it could take but it never arrived.

My wife had a hospital appointment so we hopped on the bus to get there and I asked the driver if I could get on though my pass had stopped working.

It turned out I the same driver had allowed me onboard with my broken pass two weeks ago.

I have a freedom pass because I suffer with mental illness so need the support where I am unable to afford things like travel due to not being fit for work. 

You'd have thought a bus driver would understand the vulnerability of someone needing a freedom pass but this one obviously didn't.

He accused me of not ordering a new pass and then told me to surrender the faulty one so that I'd have the motivation to order a replacement.

He then went on to tell me I'd be breaking the law if I refused to hand the faulty pass over.

I became very distressed at this point and didn't know what to do. I ended up getting off the bus but was in such a state that the voices in my head were yelling at me to hurt myself.

I didn't do so but ended up breaking down in the high street in an effort to try and contain myself.

Of course the driver wasn't aware of the administrative error that delayed my new pass getting to me; but to treat someone who is clearly vulnerable (a young person with a freedom pass is bound to be) like that  is plain ignorant in my book. 

Vulnerable members of society & housing

The council found us a place to live due to my vulnerability as a sufferer of mental illness when we were facing homelessness nearly a year ago. The flat looked good when we first moved in but it’s now clear that all the problems were literally painted over.

It wasn’t long before mould started re-growing so we alerted the landlord and he told us to open the windows in order to get air circulating. This was fair enough in the spring and summer but now that we’re in autumn it isn’t so simple.

As it turns out our building has no damp course and instead of putting one in the landlord has opted to attach six inch fake walls to the existing mouldy walls in what seems like a quick fix.

Unfortunately there is now mould in every room so the house reeks of it; plus to compound the issue both my wife and I have asthma which is especially affected by mould.

The bit that gets me though is that we have informed the council of the mould situation and yet they still want to house people here when we move out, which I think that is deplorable.

It's a struggle for a young, vulnerable couple to deal with a landlord who behaves like this. It causes a lot of stress, which has gone on to exacerbate my condition and prevent me from proceeding any further with my recovery. 

There is no first strike in karate & justice

“No first strike” doesn’t mean waiting to be attacked and then retaliating. It goes further than that and can mean avoiding a situation that is dangerous or harmful in the aid of self-preservation.

But what if seeing the state of the world and what people are doing to each other and to themselves is causing you mental distress? Should you then take steps to stop the crap that goes on?

Then there’s the indirect effect something like people over-eating has on you; in the future more money will have to go towards treating the illnesses they will develop as a result of their obesity and this will have a knock on effect on taxes.

And what about global warming? Can you help but be pissed off with the oil companies for engineering politics to their own gains whilst destroying the planet and damaging our health and well being at the same time?

So what's the answer? In a way you're already under attack so you need to take the initiative in the name of self preservation.

The problem is there seems to be a lot of ignorance around; and people who are too caught up with the trivialities of their daily lives to stop and think for themselves.

Others are told they are mentally ill for thinking and put in a medical straight jacket to prevent them from telling the truth.

What do you do? - Schizophrenia - Claiming benefits

I am in still recovery after being diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia nearly a decade ago. As of yet I have been unable to hold down a job – though not through lack of trying. I hate having to rely on benefits but I have no choice except to do so at the moment.

I don’t deal very well with stress because, as a mechanism for coping, I have shut myself out of my head so that I can only process things by talking to others or sitting down and writing them out. Couple this with the emotional and thought numbing effect of the anti-psychotic medication and you can see my problem.

At the moment stress comes in many forms but the funny thing is that it affects me without it consciously playing on my mind. By this I mean I find myself getting so worn out that it feels as though I’ve crashed into a brick wall but I have no idea why.

When I get into this state I have no energy left to deal with the barrage of intrusive images and thoughts that accost me, telling me (amongst other things) to harm or even kill myself.

Having to be extra cautious not to get into such a state means I am severely limiting what I do day to day. I want to be capable of doing a job now but the reality is my recovery is what’s most important at the moment. 

Sell sell sell your art

Obviously making money is important (how else can you buy food/clothes/shelter/etc?) but when it comes to art the money comes second.

I do not sit down with my pen and paper and think "hmm, I wonder what'd look good on a persons wall" (you can probably tell this from the unpalatable nature of much my work of course). 

It's all about rattling cages for me - jerking people from the stupor of the lives that they've come to accept as normality. 

I realise that this desire stems from my wanting to appear altruistic for selfish gains. But somewhere in there as an annoyance at corruption and inequality.

The funny thing is that people are being corrupt for the same reason that I am being altruistic at the end of the day. 

Heaven, I'm in heaven

I used to have the idea that everyone who was ever alive now, then and in the future is able to see everything you are doing (including what you are thinking). 

This is because, once dead, a person will go to heaven and, once there, be free to pick any point in the whole of history that they fancy and watch it. 

No wonder I developed paranoid delusions! 

Galleries, minds and exploration

I like walking around an art gallery. Some people struggle with them but the white walls don't bother me - I don't find them stark or harsh. It feels like I am walking around the artists mind and seeing their imagination at play.

There is no pressure to rush (except of course when closing time comes around) and it is strangely quiet like a church.

There's something wonderful about people walking around musing on and being stimulated by the ideas of others. I think it's because these people are keen not to accept things as they are, but instead to explore.

I found no god!

You hear about people who live wasteful lives until one day they wake up and find god.

I used to believe in god as a child/early adolescent, but now I don't and it's been completely liberating.

Now I think that anything anyone does is based on their natural selfish instincts - including seemingly selfless acts. 

Realising this has given me a whole new invigorating perspective on life and helped me grow in confidence in myself.

I no longer see morality as what I'm being told to do - or not to do - by a god. 

Instead selfishness is the rule and people are shaped by their nature and nurture and kept in check by the systems of control, such as the laws of their society. 

Panic attacked

Most situations we find ourselves in are generally predictable: chatting with the check out lady at Sainsbury's for example; or being on the receiving end of some banter when it comes to light that you're a Chelsea fan.

But what about when faced with mental health stigma? 

In the past I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks because I simply didn't know how to be in certain situations. I didn't understand myself personally so how could I go about explaining what was going on inside me to another person so that they could understand? 

I found myself again and again in such situations, paralysed and in a state. Gradually though I have grown to understand more about myself, and even found a comfort and confidence along the way. 

I haven't experienced anxiety or panic attacks in a long time, which I put down to this development of character. 

I still don't know how each person will react when I tell them that I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of course, but I don't care so much now because I understand it a lot more myself.

I am confident being open about my diagnosis and about the difficulties I may have in a situation. This may be detrimental to whether people feel comfortable with me but if I were to hide that part of me, I would have no safety net to fall back on were things to take a turn for the worse.

A sick way of thinking

I have a sick way of thinking (that is how I see the mental illness I'm told I have) and so have to choose which thoughts I agree with and which ones I don't. 

There are enjoyable thoughts as well as distressing ones, but both types come from the same place so I have to separate them into one lump and label them all my 'voices'.

You'd think the fact that I have them going on in my head must mean I'm unwell. 

I hear that people diagnosed schizophrenic are less likely than the general population to be violent towards others (though sadly more likely when it comes to themselves). 

I have no desire to act on what the violent voices have to say, but I hate experiencing them (especially at times when I'm run down and unable to deal with them effectively). 

It's a strange because the voices aren't always easily distinguishable and fall somewhere in between enjoyable and distressing. I sometimes struggle to tell whether I should embrace a voice that speaks up, or try and resist it.

Scrap all religion?

My nanny (grandmother, not child carer) believes in the christian god. She lost her sister when she was young and so clings to the hope that they'll be reunited in heaven.

I don't believe in her god - I am atheist about all gods including hers. We have discussions, during which I am constantly aware of her reason for worship and belief (although admittedly some days I may be in a funny mood and not have the patience for such considerations).

I take the view that if it makes her happy then what's the problem? Also by the time that she does die it won't matter what she believed during her life because she'll be no more and none the wiser. 

But there are people out there who do cause suffering to others because of their beliefs. For the sake of the harmers does this mean that all religion should be scrapped? How can you permit some people to believe but deny it to others, when belief is the same across the board?

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

A drive to gamble

It's understandable if you don't want to admit that choice is an illusion. But if every choice you make is the result of the entire history that has led up to it so that you couldn't make it any other way, then wouldn't that start to feel a bit claustrophobic?

Could something like gambling be a fresh release from that confinement? It's practically unpredictable at the end of the day so could it appeal to people who yearn for chance? 

Are you beautiful?

I heard that voluptuousness used to be a sign of beauty because it was associated with wealth. Now skinniness has widely taken it's place, so is that related to wealth too? 

Do people aspire to emulate things about movie stars and models because they are rich; as though if you were to be slim/well built like them, then you would appear to be wealthy and be more attractive to potential mates? 

Choice - don't blame the murderer

First you have to realise that the brain is part if the body and that the bit that you call 'you' is not something that is driving your body - or that your body is a vessel for.

Every choice that you make is the final result of the entire history that has led up to it. If one thing in that history was different then the eventual choice would change.

This is because different experiences stimulate different brain developments and it is the brain structure and chemistry which culminate in the choices you make.

If I wanted to move my hand suddenly and unpredictably it wouldn't be unpredictable at all because I am doing so as a result of the situation leading up to it. 

If I were to choose not to move my hand in order to show I could make a different choice then that decision too is also the result of the situation that has evolved further. 

Take this further and it becomes clear that the people who commit crimes are not doing so out of choice. The fact that they do so is a result of the situation they are in so they can't be blamed for their actions. 

(They can of course be punished to dissuade them from doing so again).

Appeal (a world full of cool idiots?)

As an artist what is the point of what you are doing? Who do you care about appealing to or communicating with through your work? Is it people in general or just other likeminded individuals?

If you want to change the quality of people’s lives for the better, do you feel that your art does so? Or is it seen as too highbrow by the majority; who themselves live in ignorance because they were never afforded the opportunity to do anything but?

You can try and create works that appeal, but will they even inspire, insight and invigorate the people who actually get to look at them? Or will they just be weird or pretty or superficially interesting?

Are people too stuck in the bad habit of living small lives in a big world (through no fault of their own) that you are pursuing a lost cause?

The human mould

Has it ever been so difficult being inside your own head that you spend every second trying to get out of it?

I latched on to learning Japanese as an outward focus and it enabled me to avoid thinking and in doing so get out of my own head.

As I recovered following the psychotic episode I began to find my way back inside and those fifteen or so years of development I had missed out on suddenly happened in a flash.

Recently I noticed that the things that at one point were fresh and exciting had now been filed away to the back of my mind and I was beginning to lose touch with that way of looking at our world.

Fitting into the human mould is what happens to everyone. You lose sight of what is important because you are so focused on getting on with the world that your brain can cope with that the eyes you used as a child growing into an adult get shorter and shorter sighted until you can no longer see beyond the end of your own nose.

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

Dark Days - complete flip of personality

I'd been going out with this lady and it was all going well until one day I just flipped and lost all feeling for her. I didn't question why the sudden change had occurred - after all it was how I felt so why would I?

She came over and we broke up, but only a couple of hours later I suddenly flipped back and all of a sudden loved her once again. Deeply regretting my mistake I immediately called her and three years later we are married and living together.

Every so often this same flipping of feeling towards her will occur; we call them 'dark days'. I know that they'll pass so now I just ride them out, but they're still deeply unpleasant and distressing.

Whether it's another part of the schizophrenia I don't know. There haven't been many dark days recently which is of course really nice for both of us but then there hasn't been as much stress in my life - due to taking special care not to overdo it or push myself too far.

Man code

When as a small boy you like a girl why are you extra mean to her? Is it because you are so scared of being seen as soft by your mates that you are extra cruel in order to stop them from guessing that you like her; and by doing so adhere to the existing stereotype so that you fit in more?

Does this continue into adulthood in the form of man code?

With man code you can't appear soft; when your friend gets married you have to say "your life is over now mate", because that's code for "I'm absolutely thrilled for you!"

The existing male stereotype gives men an image of only being interested in one thing. But are they? Or is it all just a show to hide the fact that they really are soft?

It's understandable that people want to fit in and a big part of that is identifying with your gender. If being a man is being a certain way then it's only natural that males growing up would want to fit in - just like the boy who bullies the girl that he likes.

I'm not saying men are sitting down and thinking this - I imagine it would be a subconscious thing that a bloke wouldn't think twice about. He probably makes the mistake of believing that he, as a man, is that way full stop. Why would you question otherwise? 

The weight of the world

Why take the weight of the world on your shoulders and spend every second possible (and a few impossible ones) trying to strain every drop of practicality out that you can?

You can’t be beyond what is human so go with the flow - what's the rush? You are just missing out on the here and now by stressing over insurmountable things. You'll be gone before too long so enjoy it whilst you can!

But does the knowledge that horrible things are happening right now all across the world while you buy expensive cars not linger at the back of your mind; gradually but constantly niggling away at you like a parasite? 

Irony

Being unable to work I have a lot of free time. However I’m not the kind of person who will sit down playing Xbox all day - although when it comes to a tossup between reading a book and going for a run I choose the book every time!

It feels like a waste of time if I am not putting my mind to something useful in the effort to recover from my mental troubles. But the ironic thing is that getting regular exercise can actually aid this process.

So in order to improve your mind you need to focus on your body, which is something I initially thought of as being quite narcissistic, and still do when people seem only to care about their physical appearance; but what if it is in our nature to do so? 

I found mine!

There can be times where you have so many things going on that you are unable to hold onto them all at once. It’s at times like these that I wish I could just ‘switch off’.

The funny thing is it is surprisingly easy to do so.

I’ve been practicing Mindfulness meditation for two years now and use when the above kind of scenario arises.

I sit in a chair and take time to just stand back, allowing myself to become transparent and to observe all of these thoughts, stresses and worries as they flow through me.

CTRL

It's weird to think that this world will go on after I die. There'll be a world without me as a part of it - I mean there was one for billions of years but for me it began 27 years ago and it'll end for me when I eventually die.

I don’t care that I didn’t exist for so long but I don’t like knowing I won’t be a part of the future. Why does the future seem different to the past though? I feel like I’ll be missing out on everything that proceeds my death – as though I could have continued but wasn't allowed!

Because of the time that I have existed, the ripples from my splash will continue to spread out; like if I have children then they could have children and so on. My DNA will probably perpetuate so in a way I will carry on.

Is that where art comes in? In making these visual tokens does the part of you that I would call the consciousness continue? 

In effect doesn't creating art ensure that the part of you that isn't passed on as DNA continues?

Only a dream

You see an idea with your mind’s eye and you can't help but to want to create it. Dreams are the result of the neurones in your brain randomly firing, but aren’t ideas similar?

You could say that ideas are more substantial because when you talk about them to someone else, the idea can go into and stimulate the brain of that person in a way that doesn't normally happen when a dream is merely described.

There's magic in making those electrical signals into something physical that is outside of your body though because doing so enables other people to see and interact with them.

No one likes hearing about other people's dreams because they have only happened in the mind of the individual, but it’s different with a painting of a dream.

Either way I think that paintings of dreams are good because there is no need to look any deeper into them - they can just be enjoyed for what they are in a way that ideas cannot be. 

Showing teeth

Normally when I smile at someone I am doing it for two reasons; because I want the other person to feel valued and because that is what I have logically worked out that you do in certain situations.

There may be an element of emotion but it is buried so deeply that I barely know it's there.
Is this natural?

(It's possible that I'm hypersensitive to the process of getting in touch with my emotions because I'm learning to develop them as an adult instead of as a child; so the reason they feel unnatural is because they are, I suppose)

Going about it all wrong

Can you be so hell bent on a drive for pleasure through gaining knowledge that you can go too far?

For me, this quest for knowledge began a couple of years ago. I reached such a stage in my recovery that I felt confident enough to look inside and start trying to understand what was going on.

Everyday I discover something (normally many things) new. It is a very exhilarating experience to understand the world and how you fit into it.

After all you aren't born knowing any of that.

I guess it comes down to that desire for control. Once things are nicely labelled and filed away in the cabinet of understanding I feel much better in myself.

But at what point do you stop delving? Can you get addicted to that sensation of control?

Flight

It was so stressful for me to find myself being ostracised at school. So much so that I felt the pressure to impress all of the time. I took it as though there was something wrong with me and that's when I began to pretend to be someone else.

But that was so taxing that I ran away again and again until I could hardly face going back. That is how I coped - with a quick fix; a sticking plaster on a broken bone.

I say it's taxing because I put a constant pressure on myself to be the person I thought my friends wanted me to be. I'm sure you can see how it would take a lot of effort to keep up such a life. 

And so things became worse until finally the mental health problems started to set in. First I became anxious and depressed and then I had my first psychotic episode.

I imagine that there was some predisposition to developing psychosis in me somewhere - possibly even as the result of the head trauma that I had during my childhood.

Now I'm pretty screwed - I've put myself in such a compromising position by constantly running away that I have a monumental task ahead of me now.

Of course I couldn't have helped running away because I was in such a bad way. People told me I needed to push through and it'd only get harder but their words fell on deaf ears.

I'm slowly progressing forward a bit at a time now. I can do things at the moment that I wouldn't have dreamt I could do before. For one thing I am getting married whereas before I couldn't even make a simple telephone call!

A key is understanding and accepting who you are and building confidence on that. It's funny how easy it is for us to get so messed up isn't it? Luckily I live in a time of understanding; I have great support from the CMHT and Recovery College (among others), so I am far from facing this alone.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to do things like work. I need to learn how to be me first; but that isn't as easy as it sounds.

Am I a Monster?

“Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?” – Shutter Island

I hear constant voices telling me to do bad things. They excel at distressing me by putting violent and sexual images in my head. But why are they so distressing and if they are ‘just thoughts’, then why can I not simply brush them aside?

They are crippling because I am basically unable to even try and comprehend a situation that is out of my comfort zone for fear of them occurring.

The question is am I worried that what the voices are saying is what I want to do, and if so does that mean that I’m a monster?

Could the way that I act now simply be a controlled, watered-down version of the real me, which is really lurking under the surface waiting to break through when backed into a corner – even if it's a psychological one?

Incase you wanted more information about hearing voices:

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

What Kind of Mind are You?

Scenting

In her TED talk (link below), Temple Grandin talks about how we all have something different to contribute to society. So naturally I began to think about what it is that I contribute.

I like to draw and play music and learn about things and understand them. You could call it putting things into boxes and you would probably be right on the money.

(Is there anything wrong with doing that?)

I realise that I won’t be able to develop new scientific technology or cure things like cancer; but what I can do is allow the world that I experience to be filtered through me and all of my experience so that when it comes out it is in the form of insight that can have some prevalence in the lives of others.

What do you have to contribute to this world?

http://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds.html

State Benefit Stigma

Why am I so embarrassed for people to know that I am on benefits because of a mental health condition and why do I constantly feel like a cheat whenever I think about claiming?

I don’t work at the moment because I am physically unable to do so - I know, this sounds like a cop out even to me; as though I am just making excuses and I could actually work if I were to simply put in the effort.

But I shouldn’t feel that I am being stigmatised (even if it is all in my head).

Yet I still don’t want people to know that I claim benefits because somehow it feels like I’m doing nothing for something whereas they are working bloody hard for their paycheque.

I have a freedom pass (which lets me travel, as you guessed, for free) however the fact is that it isn’t really for free because I have to pay, not by money, but by the torment of not being able to earn my own way like other people and also by struggling in everyday life.

An interesting article:

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/quote-of-the-month/krishnamurti-measure-of-health

GOAL!!!!!!! (Do you care about winning?)

Red v Blue

I used to get very upset when the football team I played in or even the one I supported lost a game, the cup, etc. Losing would distress me so much that I’d end up angry and in tears.

Now I no longer get worked up about things like losing a football game but, as with everything, I recently started to question why this is.

One explanation could be that the antipsychotic medication has numbed my emotions to the point that I am physically incapable of caring.

But what if it’s simply that I’ve managed to alter my thought processes?

Have I matured to the point that winning no longer has the some importance in my life?

What if the desire to win (that, when not achieved, can leave a grown man in tears) isn’t a natural impulse? What if our culture has developed in a way that shapes our brain so that it wants to win, when what is truly natural for us is more the opposite?

I saw this army slogan recently and it seemed to be very appropriate to this idea of winning so I've included a link to the British Army Blog.

http://britisharmy.wordpress.com/

It's a loose connection but this TED talk rekindled it for me so here's the link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html 

So, so tired

It doesn't seem to take much to wipe me out completely, and although there seems to be no discernible cause, as Jaffar says: things aren't always what they seem.

It's not something that I can reach out and touch, but I have my suspicions that a lot of what causes the tiredness lies beneath the surface.

Although I am not consciously stressing or worrying, somewhere in me there is a part that is doing so, and it is that which is being a huge drain on my energy levels.

Why I am oblivious to this process I'm not sure; I could have even locked myself out as a form of self defence.

Either way becoming completely wiped out is a frequently reoccurring problem for me. The question is how do you stop being stressed if it isn't something that's happening consciously?

Life is stressful at the end of the day and because I am mentally ill I must be extra cautious. This might mean not being able to work in general or having to not leave the house for periods of time and so being unreliable.

That is why I need support, which could come in the form of state benefits and the community mental health services amongst other things. 

It's hard to admit it but people like me are vulnerable individuals and need help to survive and ideally to thrive.

Why make a difference (an interview with TEMPOK)

So straight to the point: why do you want to make a difference in the world?

“Firstly, I lack a wide emotional range (probably due to a combination of the psychosis and antipsychotic medication) and the little feeling I do have I tend to supress because it is just too painful to engage with; so I guess because of that I see the world in a less human way.

“I don’t succumb to emotion or feel great empathy when I see suffering; instead what drives me is logic.

“It makes sense to help each other out because if there are enough resources available and if technology is as advanced as it’s supposed to be, then why is everything so biasedly distributed, and why are the majority of people suffering when their suffering could be avoided?

“I don’t care about the vast majority of people on the planet, but I recognise that they are suffering needlessly and that doesn’t make sense to me.

“Everyone should have the same chance to live and I want to help people realise this.”

Hold on, so you don’t care about the vast majority of people?

“That’s right – although saying that I do have some feeling; but it’s kept firmly on a very short leash for most of the time; I am gradually becoming more able to engage with it but only very slowly.

“At the moment I feel somewhat disassociated from my emotions; I do things because that is the way I have worked out (from observing others) that they should be done, instead of how I would personally do them. I don’t actually know how I would do things; I don’t seem to have developed that ability yet.

still life

“I sometimes wonder if I am now going through the kind of emotional development that generally happens during a child’s development, but which I’m having to go through it in an unnatural way because I am now in my late twenties and am only just getting started.

“So yes, I’m not really able to care in the emotional sense. However from such a standpoint it is hard to agree with people who seem so focused on their own gratuity; but maybe the way that they are is just the natural way to be.”

Interviewer: The voice in my head

Date: 11/02/2014