Going about it all wrong

Can you be so hell bent on a drive for pleasure through gaining knowledge that you can go too far?

For me, this quest for knowledge began a couple of years ago. I reached such a stage in my recovery that I felt confident enough to look inside and start trying to understand what was going on.

Everyday I discover something (normally many things) new. It is a very exhilarating experience to understand the world and how you fit into it.

After all you aren't born knowing any of that.

I guess it comes down to that desire for control. Once things are nicely labelled and filed away in the cabinet of understanding I feel much better in myself.

But at what point do you stop delving? Can you get addicted to that sensation of control?

Flight

It was so stressful for me to find myself being ostracised at school. So much so that I felt the pressure to impress all of the time. I took it as though there was something wrong with me and that's when I began to pretend to be someone else.

But that was so taxing that I ran away again and again until I could hardly face going back. That is how I coped - with a quick fix; a sticking plaster on a broken bone.

I say it's taxing because I put a constant pressure on myself to be the person I thought my friends wanted me to be. I'm sure you can see how it would take a lot of effort to keep up such a life. 

And so things became worse until finally the mental health problems started to set in. First I became anxious and depressed and then I had my first psychotic episode.

I imagine that there was some predisposition to developing psychosis in me somewhere - possibly even as the result of the head trauma that I had during my childhood.

Now I'm pretty screwed - I've put myself in such a compromising position by constantly running away that I have a monumental task ahead of me now.

Of course I couldn't have helped running away because I was in such a bad way. People told me I needed to push through and it'd only get harder but their words fell on deaf ears.

I'm slowly progressing forward a bit at a time now. I can do things at the moment that I wouldn't have dreamt I could do before. For one thing I am getting married whereas before I couldn't even make a simple telephone call!

A key is understanding and accepting who you are and building confidence on that. It's funny how easy it is for us to get so messed up isn't it? Luckily I live in a time of understanding; I have great support from the CMHT and Recovery College (among others), so I am far from facing this alone.

I honestly don't know if I'll ever be able to do things like work. I need to learn how to be me first; but that isn't as easy as it sounds.

Am I a Monster?

“Would you rather live as a monster or die as a good man?” – Shutter Island

I hear constant voices telling me to do bad things. They excel at distressing me by putting violent and sexual images in my head. But why are they so distressing and if they are ‘just thoughts’, then why can I not simply brush them aside?

They are crippling because I am basically unable to even try and comprehend a situation that is out of my comfort zone for fear of them occurring.

The question is am I worried that what the voices are saying is what I want to do, and if so does that mean that I’m a monster?

Could the way that I act now simply be a controlled, watered-down version of the real me, which is really lurking under the surface waiting to break through when backed into a corner – even if it's a psychological one?

Incase you wanted more information about hearing voices:

http://blog.ted.com/2013/08/08/everything-you-ever-wanted-to-know-about-voice-hearing-but-were-too-afraid-to-ask/

What Kind of Mind are You?

Scenting

In her TED talk (link below), Temple Grandin talks about how we all have something different to contribute to society. So naturally I began to think about what it is that I contribute.

I like to draw and play music and learn about things and understand them. You could call it putting things into boxes and you would probably be right on the money.

(Is there anything wrong with doing that?)

I realise that I won’t be able to develop new scientific technology or cure things like cancer; but what I can do is allow the world that I experience to be filtered through me and all of my experience so that when it comes out it is in the form of insight that can have some prevalence in the lives of others.

What do you have to contribute to this world?

http://www.ted.com/talks/temple_grandin_the_world_needs_all_kinds_of_minds.html

State Benefit Stigma

Why am I so embarrassed for people to know that I am on benefits because of a mental health condition and why do I constantly feel like a cheat whenever I think about claiming?

I don’t work at the moment because I am physically unable to do so - I know, this sounds like a cop out even to me; as though I am just making excuses and I could actually work if I were to simply put in the effort.

But I shouldn’t feel that I am being stigmatised (even if it is all in my head).

Yet I still don’t want people to know that I claim benefits because somehow it feels like I’m doing nothing for something whereas they are working bloody hard for their paycheque.

I have a freedom pass (which lets me travel, as you guessed, for free) however the fact is that it isn’t really for free because I have to pay, not by money, but by the torment of not being able to earn my own way like other people and also by struggling in everyday life.

An interesting article:

http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/quote-of-the-month/krishnamurti-measure-of-health

GOAL!!!!!!! (Do you care about winning?)

Red v Blue

I used to get very upset when the football team I played in or even the one I supported lost a game, the cup, etc. Losing would distress me so much that I’d end up angry and in tears.

Now I no longer get worked up about things like losing a football game but, as with everything, I recently started to question why this is.

One explanation could be that the antipsychotic medication has numbed my emotions to the point that I am physically incapable of caring.

But what if it’s simply that I’ve managed to alter my thought processes?

Have I matured to the point that winning no longer has the some importance in my life?

What if the desire to win (that, when not achieved, can leave a grown man in tears) isn’t a natural impulse? What if our culture has developed in a way that shapes our brain so that it wants to win, when what is truly natural for us is more the opposite?

I saw this army slogan recently and it seemed to be very appropriate to this idea of winning so I've included a link to the British Army Blog.

http://britisharmy.wordpress.com/

It's a loose connection but this TED talk rekindled it for me so here's the link:

http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_gilbert_asks_why_are_we_happy.html 

So, so tired

It doesn't seem to take much to wipe me out completely, and although there seems to be no discernible cause, as Jaffar says: things aren't always what they seem.

It's not something that I can reach out and touch, but I have my suspicions that a lot of what causes the tiredness lies beneath the surface.

Although I am not consciously stressing or worrying, somewhere in me there is a part that is doing so, and it is that which is being a huge drain on my energy levels.

Why I am oblivious to this process I'm not sure; I could have even locked myself out as a form of self defence.

Either way becoming completely wiped out is a frequently reoccurring problem for me. The question is how do you stop being stressed if it isn't something that's happening consciously?

Life is stressful at the end of the day and because I am mentally ill I must be extra cautious. This might mean not being able to work in general or having to not leave the house for periods of time and so being unreliable.

That is why I need support, which could come in the form of state benefits and the community mental health services amongst other things. 

It's hard to admit it but people like me are vulnerable individuals and need help to survive and ideally to thrive.

Why make a difference (an interview with TEMPOK)

So straight to the point: why do you want to make a difference in the world?

“Firstly, I lack a wide emotional range (probably due to a combination of the psychosis and antipsychotic medication) and the little feeling I do have I tend to supress because it is just too painful to engage with; so I guess because of that I see the world in a less human way.

“I don’t succumb to emotion or feel great empathy when I see suffering; instead what drives me is logic.

“It makes sense to help each other out because if there are enough resources available and if technology is as advanced as it’s supposed to be, then why is everything so biasedly distributed, and why are the majority of people suffering when their suffering could be avoided?

“I don’t care about the vast majority of people on the planet, but I recognise that they are suffering needlessly and that doesn’t make sense to me.

“Everyone should have the same chance to live and I want to help people realise this.”

Hold on, so you don’t care about the vast majority of people?

“That’s right – although saying that I do have some feeling; but it’s kept firmly on a very short leash for most of the time; I am gradually becoming more able to engage with it but only very slowly.

“At the moment I feel somewhat disassociated from my emotions; I do things because that is the way I have worked out (from observing others) that they should be done, instead of how I would personally do them. I don’t actually know how I would do things; I don’t seem to have developed that ability yet.

still life

“I sometimes wonder if I am now going through the kind of emotional development that generally happens during a child’s development, but which I’m having to go through it in an unnatural way because I am now in my late twenties and am only just getting started.

“So yes, I’m not really able to care in the emotional sense. However from such a standpoint it is hard to agree with people who seem so focused on their own gratuity; but maybe the way that they are is just the natural way to be.”

Interviewer: The voice in my head

Date: 11/02/2014

Learning to be a human

“If you cut me do I not bleed?”

Why do you react emotionally? For me emotion is a bit of an alien concept. I feel more now than I did on the higher antipsychotic dose but there still seems to be a disconnection there.

For example, I recently saw a loved one crying and yet I felt nothing. In my head I knew that they were upset so my logical reaction was to console them because that’s what you do in those situations.

In reading this you’ll probably consider me a rather cold individual (maybe even a Vulcan?) who only cares because that is what ‘should’ be done. But hang on a second.

What if this emotional detachment could be a natural part of growing up that is generally experienced during childhood when a person isn’t so aware of their thoughts; but in my case (because of my condition) it is something I am coming to as an adult?

In other words am I more cognisant of the process of developing emotions because I am older than people generally are when they engage with them?

And could this ring true for other people who are in my situation?

Learning to kill

I practice karate and have been doing so for many years now. It struck me yesterday, when I used an Iaitō (metal sword) for the first time, that I am learning what would have once, in some form, been imperative to being able to stay alive.

I don’t really have to worry about that in my life (although knowing such things could come in handy in a sticky situation). But I find it incredible to imagine that there was once a world where knowing how to kill and how to do so efficiently was actually a practical skill to have.

Of course so much must go on behind the scenes; like the anti-terror squads and not to mention the soldiers who are killing people on a daily basis. But those are things that I could very easily turn a blind eye to in my world (until they happen to me of course).

In my world killing is wrong; not only because of the law but because it also feels wrong in my bones. I have been taught that life is sacred and, although I am atheist now, the moral teachings of my childhood still ring true.

Did the men who were trained to kill feel the same? Did they view life as sacred like I do now? Where does the idea of life being sacred come from?

A psychotic theory

What if the intrusive thoughts and imagery are the things that I am trying to avoid (without even realising I'm doing so)? It's recently started to happen that I physically stiffen up and am unable to walk to places. However the reason for this hasn't been clear to me so far.

Traditionally I've either made it to wherever I'm going and experienced intense anxiety and panic whilst there or more often I've succumbed to them on the way. In the case of volunteering at the charity shop, I was ok for a good few weeks before I experienced resistance of a level I was unable to surmount. Then, after I failed to go in that once, I didn't feel I could face the manager again (even though thinking about it now she'd probably be really understanding!) 

It's true that I find the intrusions distressing so it would hardly be surprising that I'd want to avoid them - even if it's on a subconscious level. Now I wonder if the anxiety (to begin with) and the stiffening up (more recently) are in fact simply my body trying to make me avoid going into situations where there is an uncomfortable threat of intrusions.

In the past I haven't been able to single out any thoughts that could have caused the anxiety. I had images in my head of being in the situation but never knew why they were so distressing. What if somewhere inside I was worried that it would be distressing to experience intrusive thinking around people? 

Why are you kind to strangers?

Throughout most of our history as humans on this planet we have lived in small groups. There was no knowledge of the wider world, yet alone the vastness of the Universe.

If our brains have evolved to deal with such a small world then is it any surprise that this sudden (in evolutionary terms) expansion of our awareness of things has left us feeling a little shell-shocked?

What if our brains just can’t cope with the world on that scale?

Could mental illness be a consequence of that inability to cope?

Are things getting out of control?