For as long as I can remember I’ve always been very
creative; but also sensitive to the world around me (as many others are I'd imagine). This was okay when I was
young because I was a child then and it’s a fact that children are nuts.
However at some point I found the world around me was too
much to cope with and as a result I imagined and created a reality for myself where
I was in a kind of coma and the world and everybody in it was a figment of my
imagination.
At the time this helped a lot, although I was only living
a half-life I suppose.
This coping mechanism probably had something to do with
my imaginative capabilities, but unfortunately I got so messed up in trying to
marry up my nature with a world that is fundamentally unnatural, that in the
end I literally shut down everything, leaving just a shell with nothing inside.
Eventually I was diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.
Recently, though, I was introduced to the idea of
auditory hallucinations, and because the things in my head do feel external to what
I would consider ‘my’ thinking, it seemed to fit that this was what I was
experiencing.
There was now a line between the true me and the evil 'voices'.
Of late, I’m starting to wonder if these voices are nothing
more sinister than my own imagination. Have I been making a distinction with
them simply because they can be pretty nasty and distressing and go against
what I would consider to be my personal values?
I’ve also been noting with interest that, often, when I
am thinking of something to write, I will just sit back and wait for a voice to
pipe up with an idea - of course I don’t always jump on the first thing to be
thrown up, since all manner of things appear before me.
The interesting thing is that these ideas feel as though
they are coming from the same place as do the voices which plague me especially at darker times.
That’s why I’ve started to wonder if the so called
hallucinations aren’t a symptom of a problem with me, but are in fact the imagination
which I never learned to cope with and so shut away and abandoned along with everything else.
I suppose it now follows that my new challenge is to re-engage
with my imagination.
I can see that the thoughts which - thanks to my
religious upbringing (also known as child abuse) - I would have perceived as
sins and so tried to suppress, are not evil and do not make me hell worthy.
I am now atheist, as it happens, and so free of the fear
of this kind of thought transgression anyway. Unfortunately I am the person I am today
because of my experiences, so it is going to be difficult to change – not impossible,
but definitely difficult.
At least now I am not afraid to be around people whilst
hearing voices and seeing images telling me that I want to
rape/punch/kiss/kick/etc them. It is still difficult to be around people
because I’m not always on the ball like I am now and tiredness (among other
things) plays a major factor in hampering my ability to cope.
The content of the ideas may be troubling but I believe
it stems from the fact that my brain is not only a primeval one and not suited to
the modern world, but also an extra sensitive and creative one too.
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