What has life got in store for this helpless little boy? He
is a person – of course we can nurture him and bring him up as best we can but
ultimately he has his own mind and will make his own choices and decisions - be
they good or bad - and we will respect him for that.
TEMPOK is shy around others. He sits on my lap a lot whilst
the other children are beginning to strike out on their own. He is a definite
mummy’s boy and as much as I value the closeness, I do hope that he too begins
to strike out on his own soon and become more independent.
The funny thing is TEMPOK will wear fancy dress when we go
out sometimes and on those occasions the effect is nothing short of dramatic.
He is no longer this shy, quiet boy; he takes on a whole new confident, chatty
persona. At home he is quite happy to play by himself for hours on end – using
his imagination. He is good at drawing and says he wants to be an artist when
he grows up.
TEMPOK is enjoying school; he has made friends and seems to
be getting on very well. We get good reports from his teacher saying he is very
hard working if a little bit on the shy side. We take him and his sister to
church every Sunday with us and have done so since they were born. I think
Catholicism is a good grounding for morals although TEMPOK and his sister sometimes mess about and we have to sit in between them to restore order.
TEMPOK cares a lot for his baby sister although she has made
a habit of occasionally winding him up to the point that he punches her and
makes her cry. I tell him that he had better stop losing his temper or one day
when he’s older it might land him in real trouble if he’s not careful.
TEMPOK is now in a senior all-boys Catholic school and he has
managed to retain a handful of his friends from his junior school. He seems
happy and confident with this new beginning. We still sit down as a family
every night to have dinner and discuss how things are going for our children;
we try and sort through problems by getting them out in the open and discussing
them together
TEMPOK is now the Captain of a little league football team
and I have never heard him shout so loudly and confidently; bellowing out
orders from his position back in defence. It’s wonderful to see him coming into
his own as he grows.
TEMPOK is having trouble at school. He is fifteen now and has
started making regular excuses not to go in and becoming very worked up when we
push him to do so. He got so worked up that he threatened to throw himself out
of his window if he had to go. We feel so powerless in the face of his
problems. Nobody prepares you for this kind of thing.
Ever since he fell off the scaffolding and broke his jaw he
has struggled. This may be because of the school he missed as a result of his
accident; and the subsequent months of not being able to go into the playground
at break time to socialise with his peers as they travel through the important
transition of puberty, leaving him behind.
It all got too much for TEMPOK today and he ended up breaking
down in tears. It seems he has been bottling everything up inside – is he
embarrassed? Maybe he just doesn’t know how to explain what is going on inside
him. He said he doesn’t understand why everyone else he knows can cope and he
can’t.
TEMPOK was accepted into University today despite his trouble
over the past few years. He paid the University a visit on an open day – taking
the train up to Stoke-on-Trent by himself which really impressed us and showed
his determination – and must have made a good impression. He was so thrilled to
get the call informing him of his acceptance; we’re so happy that he is
beginning to strike out and become more independent.
We have had to bring TEMPOK home from University. He isn’t
very well at all and needs help. He smashed up his room but we can’t get out of
him why he did so. He doesn’t seem to know this himself so we are going to take
him to see a professional.
TEMPOK cut himself today. He came straight to me to confess
to what he had done. He sliced the back of his hand open and says it clears his
mind to do so. He is definitely not right at the moment. It was devastating to
see that he’d done that to himself.
TEMPOK seems a lot better. We dropped him off at University
for his second try today. He has much better support this time around as well
as medication to help his mood and therapy to help him cope. He was reluctant
to take medication at first, fearing it would change who he is fundamentally but
he is acclimatising to the idea now. It was nice to see him so confident; after
making sure he was settled we walked away hand in hand, pride and hope filling
our hearts.
Everything changes from now. TEMPOK has decided he would like
to die. He believes it is the only way he can put a stop to the doubt that is
tormenting his mind; he believes that if he dies either nothing will happen or
something, thereby putting an end to the doubt. How can he not want to
experience everything life has to offer?
Now I see that his wish to die was merely a development of
the psychosis he was diagnosed with. In a way it is a relief but it also means
that he is mentally ill – our son is mentally ill; I can’t cope with that – this
cold realisation brought me to tears during our ski trip together. I felt so
powerless and realised how much I need my wife by my side in order to deal with TEMPOK.
TEMPOK confided in us today that he doesn’t believe we are
his real parents. This was shocking but not surprising as he is struggling a
lot at the moment. I go along with him to his appointments with the Early
Intervention Team. It can take him a while to answer their – what I would think
to be relatively simple – questions, although most of the time we have to
settle with “I don’t know” for an answer.
It is very concerning to hear some of the things TEMPOK comes
out with at these sessions. For example he believes people can see into his
mind. I myself hear voices so that isn’t so surprising but for some reason the voices
he hears really unsettle and disturb him. He has been prescribed anti-psychotic
medication in the highest safe dose possible.
I don’t think that the health professionals know what
they’re talking about. They tend to molly-coddle him; my fear is he’ll end up a
recluse or worse. He spends all day studying his Chinese – or is it Japanese? I
wish he could get a job and flourish.
We have all grown over the past years and come to much
better terms with TEMPOK's situation.
TEMPOK now has a girlfriend and is doing so
much better – just think, he used to struggle even to make a simple phone call!
He is doing karate and helping out in the class which is a sure sign of how
much better he is.
TEMPOK is still struggling to work but you can’t just snap
out of a mental illness. I am very proud of how he is dealing with everything
and the independence he has developed. He is not just sitting back and taking
it, he is constantly pushing to get better even though from time to time that may
mean he has a crash.
It will be nice when he is able to move out with his fiancee and
start their life together. They are getting married in 2014 and we’re eagerly
anticipating the day they announce that our grandchildren are on the way! TEMPOK still has bad spells but he is very stable and moving away from us day by day
which is absolutely fantastic from a parents perspective. We always tell him
that we are very proud of him and his resilience – he is forging his own
destiny now.
TEMPOK is lowering his dose of Olanzapine. I was worried at first but he says he is
feeling much sharper now and he reassures me that it is being done in a very
controlled way. We have a lot less involvement in TEMPOK's care nowadays which I
view as very positive. He is living inside his own head now whereas before he
felt shut-down and couldn’t access his thoughts. He is a joy to be around and
very cheeky which I love.
I try to push TEMPOK to progress into work, for example with
his translation. He is very good at Japanese but something is holding him back.
I see lots of small improvements but one day soon he will have to take a big
step – a leap of faith. That’s the thing about life, there is no surety and it
isn’t fair so you’ve got to work very hard. It would be wonderful if TEMPOK could make a living from selling paintings but I don’t think that is a very
stable way to live.
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