What Came Over Me?

 Today I decided to go to my first Hearing Voices Network meeting, but surprise surprise it was by no means straight forward. I managed to go into the Salvation Army church (where it is held on alternate Tuesdays) after first taking some time to compose myself. I ordered a coffee and sat in the nearly empty café while I drank. I had the urge to write something down which led me to describe how I was feeling.

I didn’t feel myself and at first I grappled with trying to describe what had come over me. I felt like I was being held back as though chains were restricting my body. But then I realised that I wasn’t being confined by some external force at all; I had just shut down. Shutting down is a well-practiced technique that I learned a long time ago in order to block out the noise in my head.

I remember when I was younger I was able to discern the voices as they were fewer in number. But over time they amassed until no single words were perceivable above the overwhelming din. And so I quickly learnt to shut down - or perhaps I didn’t learn and it was purely instinctive. Unfortunately in order to target the voices specifically I had to shut down everything else as well.

It wasn’t too long ago that any meetings with councillors or social workers or psychologists consisted mostly of dead silence whilst I scraped together some semblance of a response to the questions they had posed. The weird thing was that I felt removed as though the lake had frozen over and I wasn’t able to break through the surface. I tried as much as I could but it was just too beyond my power.

Nowadays I find I have very little problem blabbing away to the professionals. Have I acclimatised to that particular kind of situation? Or is that a sign or how far along I am in my recovery? I do an awful lot of writing. I like to think that it is the only way I can process things - well, if not the only way it is definitely the most effective. But now I come to think of it, who says you should be able to process things naturally anyway?

I am rarely bothered by the noise these days; it only seems to be when I am tired that it manages to break through my barriers. On those occasions the noise is unbearable; like a thousand nails scraping down a thousand black boards. It is at these times that words and sentences force their way through; they usually try and convince me to kill myself so that I am no longer a burden on the lives of my loved ones.

At times like this I’ve found that all I can do is ride it out; maybe do some mindfulness meditation if it isn’t too bad that I can imagine my way to that option. I know that it is very difficult for the people I love to see me in such a state so I find it is best to prepare for it by telling them that although I may not seem it I am ok; I just need a big hug when the time comes.