They call it schizophrenia. I have violent and sexual
images in my head some of the time which can be very distressing. I try and
tell myself that it’s just my brain saying, “What’s the most horrible thing we
can make him think? I know!” and then bam, you’ve got intrusive images/urges.
Being diagnosed took much of the distress away because
suddenly I wasn’t this awful, evil person anymore. However every intrusive
thought that enters my head makes me question whether I am mentally ill or just
a very, very bad person?
It’s not so bad when I get the urge to pour hot coffee
over a crying baby’s head as that is so fantastical that I know it’s an
intrusive thought. However having sexual thoughts about people who are close to
you does cause a great deal of distress because they can be arousing.
I guess it’s only natural for my body to react to sexual
things and the fact that I consciously resent having those kinds of thoughts is
a good sign. I just wish they weren’t so damn persistent!
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