Panic attacked

Most situations we find ourselves in are generally predictable: chatting with the check out lady at Sainsbury's for example; or being on the receiving end of some banter when it comes to light that you're a Chelsea fan.

But what about when faced with mental health stigma? 

In the past I've experienced anxiety and panic attacks because I simply didn't know how to be in certain situations. I didn't understand myself personally so how could I go about explaining what was going on inside me to another person so that they could understand? 

I found myself again and again in such situations, paralysed and in a state. Gradually though I have grown to understand more about myself, and even found a comfort and confidence along the way. 

I haven't experienced anxiety or panic attacks in a long time, which I put down to this development of character. 

I still don't know how each person will react when I tell them that I have been diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia of course, but I don't care so much now because I understand it a lot more myself.

I am confident being open about my diagnosis and about the difficulties I may have in a situation. This may be detrimental to whether people feel comfortable with me but if I were to hide that part of me, I would have no safety net to fall back on were things to take a turn for the worse.

A sick way of thinking

I have a sick way of thinking (that is how I see the mental illness I'm told I have) and so have to choose which thoughts I agree with and which ones I don't. 

There are enjoyable thoughts as well as distressing ones, but both types come from the same place so I have to separate them into one lump and label them all my 'voices'.

You'd think the fact that I have them going on in my head must mean I'm unwell. 

I hear that people diagnosed schizophrenic are less likely than the general population to be violent towards others (though sadly more likely when it comes to themselves). 

I have no desire to act on what the violent voices have to say, but I hate experiencing them (especially at times when I'm run down and unable to deal with them effectively). 

It's a strange because the voices aren't always easily distinguishable and fall somewhere in between enjoyable and distressing. I sometimes struggle to tell whether I should embrace a voice that speaks up, or try and resist it.

Scrap all religion?

My nanny (grandmother, not child carer) believes in the christian god. She lost her sister when she was young and so clings to the hope that they'll be reunited in heaven.

I don't believe in her god - I am atheist about all gods including hers. We have discussions, during which I am constantly aware of her reason for worship and belief (although admittedly some days I may be in a funny mood and not have the patience for such considerations).

I take the view that if it makes her happy then what's the problem? Also by the time that she does die it won't matter what she believed during her life because she'll be no more and none the wiser. 

But there are people out there who do cause suffering to others because of their beliefs. For the sake of the harmers does this mean that all religion should be scrapped? How can you permit some people to believe but deny it to others, when belief is the same across the board?

Why I can’t work

Imagine trying to deal with having images and voices forcing their way into your head urging you to hurt or sexually assaulting others. On a good day you have more energy so they’re easier to manage; but the days are unpredictable. Things like every day ambient stress can throw you completely and there’s often no way to predict when you’re going to crash.

When thoughts such as these intrude, it’s bound to be a stressful experience being around unfamiliar people in unfamiliar situations. It takes a lot of time and patience to get comfortable: for example it’s taken me over five years to feel comfortable going to a karate club and still now I can’t always go depending on how I’m doing that week.

Some days you are unable to cope with being conscious because of the constant barrage of disturbing voices and images invading your mind; and a part time job doesn’t exist where you are able to take a week or two off because you are in this kind of state when your shift comes round.

I used to experience terrible anxiety and panic attacks when I would try to work - and that was only voluntary work for a couple of hours a week. Now my body seems to have developed a self defence mechanism whereby my thinking shuts down before I’m even able to progress to the anxiety stage.

It’s not a conscious decision by any means; it’s as though my body knows that I am going to be faced with these intrusive thoughts and so literally stops me thinking in order to prevent me from doing something that will mean encountering them.

After all who likes to have thoughts of raping or hurting other people in their head?

A drive to gamble

It's understandable if you don't want to admit that choice is an illusion. But if every choice you make is the result of the entire history that has led up to it so that you couldn't make it any other way, then wouldn't that start to feel a bit claustrophobic?

Could something like gambling be a fresh release from that confinement? It's practically unpredictable at the end of the day so could it appeal to people who yearn for chance? 

Are you beautiful?

I heard that voluptuousness used to be a sign of beauty because it was associated with wealth. Now skinniness has widely taken it's place, so is that related to wealth too? 

Do people aspire to emulate things about movie stars and models because they are rich; as though if you were to be slim/well built like them, then you would appear to be wealthy and be more attractive to potential mates? 

Choice - don't blame the murderer

First you have to realise that the brain is part if the body and that the bit that you call 'you' is not something that is driving your body - or that your body is a vessel for.

Every choice that you make is the final result of the entire history that has led up to it. If one thing in that history was different then the eventual choice would change.

This is because different experiences stimulate different brain developments and it is the brain structure and chemistry which culminate in the choices you make.

If I wanted to move my hand suddenly and unpredictably it wouldn't be unpredictable at all because I am doing so as a result of the situation leading up to it. 

If I were to choose not to move my hand in order to show I could make a different choice then that decision too is also the result of the situation that has evolved further. 

Take this further and it becomes clear that the people who commit crimes are not doing so out of choice. The fact that they do so is a result of the situation they are in so they can't be blamed for their actions. 

(They can of course be punished to dissuade them from doing so again).