Learning to be a human

“If you cut me do I not bleed?”

Why do you react emotionally? For me emotion is a bit of an alien concept. I feel more now than I did on the higher antipsychotic dose but there still seems to be a disconnection there.

For example, I recently saw a loved one crying and yet I felt nothing. In my head I knew that they were upset so my logical reaction was to console them because that’s what you do in those situations.

In reading this you’ll probably consider me a rather cold individual (maybe even a Vulcan?) who only cares because that is what ‘should’ be done. But hang on a second.

What if this emotional detachment could be a natural part of growing up that is generally experienced during childhood when a person isn’t so aware of their thoughts; but in my case (because of my condition) it is something I am coming to as an adult?

In other words am I more cognisant of the process of developing emotions because I am older than people generally are when they engage with them?

And could this ring true for other people who are in my situation?

Learning to kill

I practice karate and have been doing so for many years now. It struck me yesterday, when I used an Iaitō (metal sword) for the first time, that I am learning what would have once, in some form, been imperative to being able to stay alive.

I don’t really have to worry about that in my life (although knowing such things could come in handy in a sticky situation). But I find it incredible to imagine that there was once a world where knowing how to kill and how to do so efficiently was actually a practical skill to have.

Of course so much must go on behind the scenes; like the anti-terror squads and not to mention the soldiers who are killing people on a daily basis. But those are things that I could very easily turn a blind eye to in my world (until they happen to me of course).

In my world killing is wrong; not only because of the law but because it also feels wrong in my bones. I have been taught that life is sacred and, although I am atheist now, the moral teachings of my childhood still ring true.

Did the men who were trained to kill feel the same? Did they view life as sacred like I do now? Where does the idea of life being sacred come from?

A psychotic theory

What if the intrusive thoughts and imagery are the things that I am trying to avoid (without even realising I'm doing so)? It's recently started to happen that I physically stiffen up and am unable to walk to places. However the reason for this hasn't been clear to me so far.

Traditionally I've either made it to wherever I'm going and experienced intense anxiety and panic whilst there or more often I've succumbed to them on the way. In the case of volunteering at the charity shop, I was ok for a good few weeks before I experienced resistance of a level I was unable to surmount. Then, after I failed to go in that once, I didn't feel I could face the manager again (even though thinking about it now she'd probably be really understanding!) 

It's true that I find the intrusions distressing so it would hardly be surprising that I'd want to avoid them - even if it's on a subconscious level. Now I wonder if the anxiety (to begin with) and the stiffening up (more recently) are in fact simply my body trying to make me avoid going into situations where there is an uncomfortable threat of intrusions.

In the past I haven't been able to single out any thoughts that could have caused the anxiety. I had images in my head of being in the situation but never knew why they were so distressing. What if somewhere inside I was worried that it would be distressing to experience intrusive thinking around people? 

Why are you kind to strangers?

Throughout most of our history as humans on this planet we have lived in small groups. There was no knowledge of the wider world, yet alone the vastness of the Universe.

If our brains have evolved to deal with such a small world then is it any surprise that this sudden (in evolutionary terms) expansion of our awareness of things has left us feeling a little shell-shocked?

What if our brains just can’t cope with the world on that scale?

Could mental illness be a consequence of that inability to cope?

Are things getting out of control?

The answer to our questions

Can you judge a person? If everyone is a victim of their circumstances can anyone be guilty? If there's no such thing as choice I mean. Say someone commits murder, that so called crime is merely the end result of that person's entire history. They did not make a choice as a subjective being, like everyone else they were shaped and the shape that they were was the one that committed murder.

Like a child they get punished by law so that hopefully they won't do it again. They are that shape and that is a hard thing to change so perhaps murdering again is unavoidable, hence life imprisonment is the answer.

But that doesn't mean they can be blamed. The families of the victims will nevertheless blame the murderer. They'll think that he or she is a bad person but the injustice isn't down to the offender; it is the way that the world is that is the problem.

Inequality, corruption, greed, etc are big problems. Our nature gets the better of us when we live in a perverse world like this one. People need help to find a solution because the problem is an unnatural one.

If we learn about how our natures work and interact with our current environment instead of winging it, we will find the answer.

Intrusive thoughts explained

Hot coffee over a baby's head

It happens in a sudden flash so real that I react bodily. It feels as though I'm actually experiencing the normally violent or sexual intrusive thought in that split second. It is horrible and I still find it very distressing even though it has been going on for a long time.

Then there's the voices. Sometimes they speak in my head as though it is me thinking, although I know that it isn't me who is articulating them. They don't tell me to do things, but because they pretend to be me and go on and on for months and years they almost become second nature.

It may sound odd but because they are so frequent and ongoing I get used to them and although I can usually fight them off, when I am tired or not feeling myself, I struggle to counter them and they end up overpowering me.

A test of faith

I used to think the fact that I am here as a living thinking being was proof of a divine creator. How could I (or anything) exist otherwise? Why is there something rather than nothing?

I am told that God purposely hides away from us so that we must believe without seeing. If that’s the case, and he wants to test our faith, then surely the fact that there IS something rather than nothing is the total opposite of hiding away.

You could argue that science’s advancements such as the theory of a Universe from nothing could have been designed by God as a test of faith; tempting people to be atheist on the grounds that there was no apparent need for a creator.

But why hide yourself by creating a universe that looks as though it could come into existence entirely naturally and in doing so remove yourself from the equation?