The human mould

Has it ever been so difficult being inside your own head that you spend every second trying to get out of it?

I latched on to learning Japanese as an outward focus and it enabled me to avoid thinking and in doing so get out of my own head.

As I recovered following the psychotic episode I began to find my way back inside and those fifteen or so years of development I had missed out on suddenly happened in a flash.

Recently I noticed that the things that at one point were fresh and exciting had now been filed away to the back of my mind and I was beginning to lose touch with that way of looking at our world.

Fitting into the human mould is what happens to everyone. You lose sight of what is important because you are so focused on getting on with the world that your brain can cope with that the eyes you used as a child growing into an adult get shorter and shorter sighted until you can no longer see beyond the end of your own nose.

Because everyone else does?

Do you hate people taking others from their loved ones?

Things like old age or unpreventable illness are one thing but when someone kills another person because it makes their life easier, is that not hateful?

The problem is we are doing it all the time when we waste money on things we don't need. I bought a coffee machine because I drink a lot of coffee to counteract the sedating side effect of my anti-psychotic medication; but couldn't I drink instant instead?

Like Tim Minchin enjoying his bottle of Chardonnay (because it is the equivalent of an immunisation for an African child) I am aware of what I am doing. I put that down to the necessity to be aware of everything for fear of a relapse creeping up on me.

I wonder if other people are aware or because everyone else does, do they just keep on ignoring the horrible reality until they eventually forget about it?

Dark Days - complete flip of personality

I'd been going out with this lady and it was all going well until one day I just flipped and lost all feeling for her. I didn't question why the sudden change had occurred - after all it was how I felt so why would I?

She came over and we broke up, but only a couple of hours later I suddenly flipped back and all of a sudden loved her once again. Deeply regretting my mistake I immediately called her and three years later we are married and living together.

Every so often this same flipping of feeling towards her will occur; we call them 'dark days'. I know that they'll pass so now I just ride them out, but they're still deeply unpleasant and distressing.

Whether it's another part of the schizophrenia I don't know. There haven't been many dark days recently which is of course really nice for both of us but then there hasn't been as much stress in my life - due to taking special care not to overdo it or push myself too far.

Man code

When as a small boy you like a girl why are you extra mean to her? Is it because you are so scared of being seen as soft by your mates that you are extra cruel in order to stop them from guessing that you like her; and by doing so adhere to the existing stereotype so that you fit in more?

Does this continue into adulthood in the form of man code?

With man code you can't appear soft; when your friend gets married you have to say "your life is over now mate", because that's code for "I'm absolutely thrilled for you!"

The existing male stereotype gives men an image of only being interested in one thing. But are they? Or is it all just a show to hide the fact that they really are soft?

It's understandable that people want to fit in and a big part of that is identifying with your gender. If being a man is being a certain way then it's only natural that males growing up would want to fit in - just like the boy who bullies the girl that he likes.

I'm not saying men are sitting down and thinking this - I imagine it would be a subconscious thing that a bloke wouldn't think twice about. He probably makes the mistake of believing that he, as a man, is that way full stop. Why would you question otherwise? 

The weight of the world

Why take the weight of the world on your shoulders and spend every second possible (and a few impossible ones) trying to strain every drop of practicality out that you can?

You can’t be beyond what is human so go with the flow - what's the rush? You are just missing out on the here and now by stressing over insurmountable things. You'll be gone before too long so enjoy it whilst you can!

But does the knowledge that horrible things are happening right now all across the world while you buy expensive cars not linger at the back of your mind; gradually but constantly niggling away at you like a parasite? 

Irony

Being unable to work I have a lot of free time. However I’m not the kind of person who will sit down playing Xbox all day - although when it comes to a tossup between reading a book and going for a run I choose the book every time!

It feels like a waste of time if I am not putting my mind to something useful in the effort to recover from my mental troubles. But the ironic thing is that getting regular exercise can actually aid this process.

So in order to improve your mind you need to focus on your body, which is something I initially thought of as being quite narcissistic, and still do when people seem only to care about their physical appearance; but what if it is in our nature to do so? 

I found mine!

There can be times where you have so many things going on that you are unable to hold onto them all at once. It’s at times like these that I wish I could just ‘switch off’.

The funny thing is it is surprisingly easy to do so.

I’ve been practicing Mindfulness meditation for two years now and use when the above kind of scenario arises.

I sit in a chair and take time to just stand back, allowing myself to become transparent and to observe all of these thoughts, stresses and worries as they flow through me.